(The Online Daily Wildcat regrets that the photograph of Monty without his horns and goatee was not received in time for publication. But rest assured that Monty does indeed look like he is 12 years old...)

This week, I decided to come out from behind the horns, moustache and goatee. You may have noticed that, without the facial hair, I look quite a bit younger. Like 10 years younger.

Looking like a 12-year-old is a problem. But I have come to grips with it, and I realize now that I have to accept who I am, rather than drawing mock facial hair in an effort to look older. Incidentally, you may want to know that the reason I had to draw a moustache and goatee is because I couldn't grow them. Well, I take that back - I could grow a goatee, but at this rate, I should have one when I'm about, oh, 236 years old.

OK, perhaps I'm exaggerating. But take a look at the photo. In the politically correct world, there is a label for people like me. Yes, that's right, I am "mature-lookingly challenged."

I don't like being "m-l c," but short of wearing a mascara beard, I can't do anything about it. Not that I haven't tried wearing a mascara beard. In fact, last Halloween I went as a beatnik, and since I wasn't able to grow a goatee, my girlfriend had to d raw it on. To make it worse, she drew it crooked.

So there I was, dressed in black, wearing a beret and a ridiculous-looking mascara beard, saying things such as "Daddy-o," just so people could walk up to me and ask, "What are you?" And that was the highlight of the evening. Later, completely forgetting about the "beard," I itched my chin and got a smeared beard.

But it doesn't stop at facial hair (or lack thereof). Buying alcohol is also a problem. Last month, I decided to buy a gift called "Beers of the World" for a friend for Christmas. I went to the store to buy it, and there it was, conveniently displayed in front near the door.

So I went over to the display, where a woman who worked there was moving the boxes to another part of the store. While I was bending over to pick up a box, she looked at me and said, "You're not old enough, so don't even think about it."

When I stood up to say something back to her, she was already halfway across the store. That made me angrier. Nevertheless, I took the beer up to the register, where the cashier smiled and asked, "Could I see some I.D. please?"

"Oh, you think I'm too young to buy beer, do you?" I said. "Here! Look!" I then threw my driver's license at her. I was so mad I started sweating.

After looking at it, she said, "Thank you. And by the way, your beard is running." Needless to say, it was embarrassing.

But it doesn't stop at "Beers of the World." The legality of my relationship with my girlfriend has also come into question. On Christmas Day, I went to my girlfriend's brother's house. He had some friends over, and after we left, he asked her brother, "A re they dating?"

Her brother said yes, to which his friend replied, "Well, isn't she, like, 25, and isn't he, like, 17?" The story made me feel good - I thought for sure he would've said 16.

I promised my girlfriend I wouldn't press charges.

Monty Phan is sports editor of the Arizona Daily Wildcat. His column appears Fridays.