Bill Clinton is rising in the polls, due in large part to his widely acclaimed State of the Union address. Regrettably, however, I fear that there are some who may be getting in over their heads - supporting the president is not something for neophytes or the weak of heart. There are tough decisions to be made, and issues to be settled. So, as a public service to all present and potential Clinton aficionados I have prepared The Official Guide to Supporting the President.

I. To lie or not to lie

Democrats, led by the president, are winning debates with lies - and not just little white lies either - we're talking about bold, egregious distortions. Therefore, the defining decision that you will make as a Clinton aficionado is whether to mimic and repeat the lies like a little parrot, or attempt your support of the president with honesty. My advice is to just lie.

Take the Medicare issue: In order to balance the budget in seven years, the Republicans have simply reduced the rate of growth in the program from 9.4 percent to 7.5 percent - in other words, Medicare spending still increases every year by more than DOUBLE the expected rate of inflation. And yet, the Democrats continue to demagogue about the Republicans' "drastic Medicare cuts."

So, if you do go the lying route, be outrageous and shameless - the truth is your enemy.

II. The version dilemma

The president comes in three primary versions - Clinton A, Clinton B, and Clinton C. To be an effective supporter, you must pick the one that is right for you.

Version A: Conservative/new Democrat Clinton. This is the Clinton that steals Republican ideas and claims them as his own. He said, "The era of big government is over" in his State of the Union address. Version A talks about Welfare reform and balancing the budget, and even told a wealthy group of contributors that he thought he raised their taxes too much. And he does all this with a straight face.

At the risk of sacrificing my neutrality, I might suggest that if Clinton A is your president, you just vote Republican - they actually believe in this stuff.

Version B: Liberal/ borderline Socialist Clinton. This undoubtedly is the most popular version amongst university professors. This is the president who tried to seize control of one seventh of the nation's economy by nationalizing health care a couple of years back. This president slips lofty-sounding rhetoric into his State of the Union Address like, "We should be willing to guarantee economic security to all who are willing to work for it."

Version B demonstrates a profound misunderstanding of capitalism and the free market system. If Clinton B is your man, congratulations - his type of ideas have been abject failures throughout the history of the world.

Version C: Whatever-sounds-nice Clinton. Clinton C seems to be the most popular version of late. Version C says things from all over the ideological map - the only prerequisite is that his ideas and proposals sound really nice. It is true that this Clinton is largely an amalgamation of the first two versions, but there is a difference € this Clinton is a favorite amongst "moderate" supporters. If you see nothing inconsistent about trying to nationalize health care and then declaring big government over € because both ideas sound like the president really means well - then this may very well be the version for you. Supporters of Version B often times deny that Version A even exists, and vice versa - with Version C, however, you love anything and everything the president says, so long as it sounds compassionate.

III. Putting it all together

So, you've chosen a Clinton, and the time has come to defend your president. Let's say that you like Version C, and that you have decided to lie, because there is no way you could ever win a debate if you were honest about Republican plans. Remember - be outrageous and absurd. The vice president is fond of using the word 'extremist' to describe Republican proposals, and some Democrats even find it useful to toss around Nazi and Fascist allusions.

Your rhetoric might begin like this: "My dear grandma doesn't know whether Fuhrer Gingrich is going to kill her first with his extremist Medicare cuts or his extremist environmental policies." Then, you can slide right into your endorsement of Clinton: "Bill Clinton (Version C) has vowed to preserve Medicare, protect the environment, and 'guarantee economic security to all who are willing to work for it' - AND he is going to end big government." Experiment with different things - the only limit is your own imagination.

Above all, enjoy your Clinton version, and stick to it! Nobody likes a person who is always changing his or her position on everything.

Clinten Garrett is an economics freshman. His column runs every other Tuesday.

Clinten Garrett
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