Medical school too tough? Try PR school

Chad Strawderman Arizona Daily Wildcat

Spin-doctors are usually paid consultants, congressmen, senators, or persons closely connected to either of the major political parties. They can also be paid consultants attached to an industry, company, association or governmental unit. In short, they spin yarns, twist facts, explain away a bad circumstance by making it appear better, tell lies, divert the subject to one less serious, and pretend that the issue is political, racial or religious. They call attention to other persons or groups who have done worse in similar situations in the past. And they display moral outrage that someone would have less than honorable thoughts about whom they represent.

Becoming a spin-doctor requires that you submerge your own thoughts or feelings on any subject. The profession does not require representing yourself, your integrity, your moral values, or your political views. A spin-doctor is purchased and owned by an individual or a group. So before you go on an interview for the job, you may need to take acting lessons to be effective. Try the Arnold Schwarzenegger School of Acting.

Are you interested in seeing some professionals in action? You need only to turn on your television to the "David Brinkley Show" on ABC or "Crossfire" on CNN. To prepare for a successful career you've got to get some basic maneuvers down.

For starters, never, never answer a question related to the subject. Simply complement the questioner on asking such a good question, and then rephrase the question to fit your spin. Remember, the bigger the issue, the more you must divert from speaking about it.

If you become especially good at your job, you may even be promoted to a Cabinet position (i.e. a major spinner). If a question arises about the administration, and if the question refers to the President's flip-flopping on an issue, your answer will always be, "The President is crystal clear on this issue, he has stated on many occasions ... (fill in the blank)."

If you are spinning for Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, it is imperative that you first call attention to his brilliance, his vision, and his steadfastness. Then - and only then- mention in a low voice that he had no intention of lying to Congress. In addition, it might help if you say that all attacks on him have been political and add that the Northeastern liberals cannot stand to see a Southern boy so smart.

Or if you end up spinning for the National Rifle Association, you must announce at the beginning of every sentence that, "Guns don't kill - people kill." Then you probably should make reference to the Constitution and cite various amendments. Just twist your face, raise your eyebrows, and defend freedom for the masses.

And if you're REALLY good at your job, you just may end up spinning for the tobacco industry. It's the toughest job - you've got to make it clear that Joe Camel isn't chasing after children and young adults. Repeat three or four times (to make it sink in) that smoking is an adult pleasure, and then criticize all the statistics which show that smoking causes cancer.

Later, get a little folksy and relate how your grandfather started smoking at the age of 14, smoked two packs a day, and lived to be 95.

Finally, if you make it to the top, you'll be spinning for President Clifton. If Paula Jones' name comes up, immediately make reference to "trailer park trash," get a shot in at the conservatives who are paying her legal bills, and end by saying the president is too busy running the country, creating nine million new jobs, and keeping peace throughout the world.

And Paula Jones? She's lost in the rhetoric.

Jill Dellamalva is a sophomore majoring in journalism and creative writing who believes that some of the responses to her last column, though well-written, were the result of spin-doctoring. Her column, 'Focused Light,' appears every other Wednesday.

By Jill Dellamalva (columnist)
Arizona Daily Wildcat
March 5, 1997