The humor and horror of affirmative action

"The state shall not discriminate against, or grant preferential treatment to, any individual or group on the basis of race, sex, color, ethnicity, or national origin in the operation of public employment."

Ready for the punchline?

The first paragraph is a definition of "equal opportunity employment," cut and pasted from UA's Affirmative Action Office. The second is the main clause of California Proposition 209, which constitutionally eliminates affirmative action policies.

Are you laughing yet?

You should be. This is just one lucid example of how ludicrous affirmative action (AA) has become. It is a world of paradox, a practice of illogical logic. It is, as Orwell would say, an exercise in doublethink.

Here's how it works. You take the definition of discrimination, which is "preferred or favored treatment," and tweak it at will. If your group is "preferred," equality and justice is being done. If your group is "discriminated," evil is at hand. Follow me ? No? Good. You're on your way to understanding AA.

Let's look at doubleth... er, AA in action. We don't like quotas, right? Quotas illegal. Quotas bad. Here's another cut and paste from UA's AA Office, "Where underrepresentation in job groups is observed, goals for employment of minorities and/or women ar e established by the Affirmative Action Office on an annual basis." Goals? I never knew you could spell quotas with a "g." Neat.

Why is "underrepresentation" suddenly the eighth deadly sin? True representation is impossible, for the number of minorities is infinite. We must discriminate in our very definition of minority. Look at UA's version: "A person who self-identifies as Hispa nic, African American, Asian American or Pacific Islander, or Native American." What about Vietnamese? Cambodians? Laotians? Hmong? Pakistani?

They are all minorities with specific backgrounds and cultures, yet they are all lumped into "Asian American." If this works, why can't we lump everyone into "American?" Or, better yet, why can't we lump everyone into "human?"

One answer is guilt. Mankind is a great pendulum; in avoidance of one extreme, we willingly swing to the other. A racist history fills us with guilt, and we race to overcompensate. As a former White roommate of mine once said, "African-Americans have suff ered here for over two hundred years. Maybe it's time for Whites to suffer." Self-degradation somehow becomes a solution. Funny, isn't it?

The joke doesn't stop there. Having excused ourselves with guilt, our sights turn to Joe Schmoe down the street. "I'm not a racist, because I feel so bad, but ol' Joe..." That is how AA has survived. We take our guilt and tape it onto someone else. "I can 't be at fault. I'm for AA. I'm the good guy." Anyone else may be racist, sexist, or generally prejudiced, so AA ensures all are in check. The result: a country of guilt-ridden good guys sniffing out any Joe in sight, even if he doesn't exist.

The final paradox goes back to "equal opportunity," an affirmative action buzzword. Look at the words. Equal opportunity has nothing to do with minority groups; opportunity is the sole responsibility of the employer. If I claim I will hire the most qualif ied candidates for a job, I am offering an equal opportunity to all. Current AA programs ensure nothing of the sort; they seek to reach an equality of outcome. This is the critical difference. Equality of outcome necessitates equality of ability. To have equal ability, we would all have to be the same. Yet, this is the exact opposite of diversity; this is complete conformity. The original point is lost.

And so it goes with all affirmative action. Created to fight prejudice, it has become the essence of prejudice. Created to protect minorities, AA now insults minorities. It is a colossal joke, a game of words and empty logic. But despite its silliness, di scrimination continues, and this is no laughing matter.

Mark Joseph Goldenson is a psychology and molecular and cellular biology freshman. His column, "Gold Standard," appears every Friday. His e-mail address is mgoldens@u.arizona.edu.

By Mark Joseph Goldenson (columnist)
Arizona Daily Wildcat
April 11, 1997