By James Casey
Arizona Daily Wildcat
April 9, 1998

Bottoms Up

There's nothing better than the end of the week. Kick back, relax and crack open a cold one. But what happens if you are unable to obtain booze on said occasion (possibly due to parole violation, being underage, or just because you forgot what time it was and missed last call)?

Well, it won't really get you drunk, but you could be much more prepared for your next binge by logging onto the Internet and visiting www.theVirtualBar.com. This page is a drinker's paradise, with bar tips, recipes, drink lists, a jukebox, distilling information and drinking games.

The main page, like many main pages, includes several places to travel to. The "What's New" option tells you, obviously, what's new with the site and all the technical things that most people aren't really interested in, such as database info., help file stuff and search methods available.

"Talk About Taste" is an interesting option that leads the browser to a page which details and describes how to taste a drink and how to explain that taste to someone else. It's similar to a wine appreciation class except with hard liquor. For instance, I might say "Oh, this Jagermeister is simply divine. It has a pronounced medicinal aroma with a full, dry herbetic taste." I would then be the envy of every party, as people would be astounded by my lexical choices for the description of a horrible drink.

"Brand Names" is also a good page as it increases one's knowledge on the matter of boozing. When someone comes up to you and blurts "Want some tequila?" you can politely reply, "What brand of Mexican Algarve spirit do you bring me, jolly old chap? Caridan, Jose Cuerve, Suaza, Two Fingers, Monte Alban?"

This will definitely get you in with the cool kids, mark my words. There's even a little anecdote involving brand names in a story. Maybe it'll get a laugh out of those new friends that you've acquired from your use of this truly amazing site. Here's a sample: "JOHNNY WALKER was hunting with MARTINI & ROSSI when he met HIRAM WALKER coming down COBBA CREEK with QUEEN ANNE who lived on the CUTTY SARK up in HUDSON'S BAY near the GREEN RIVER. He took her over to the TOWN TAVERN where he removed her ..." An instant party pick-up for those lacking in sobriety.

"Hangover Helper" offers some genuine advice, although most of it is nothing new to the seasoned booze hound. "Don't mix alcohols, drink water before bed, drink a can of V8 in the morning," etc.

"Glasses," a page that tells you what glasses to use for certain drinks, is also interesting as it reminds you that you're a lowly commoner who drinks red wine out of plastic cups.

If there is truly a place where online alcoholics should be, www.theVirtualBar.com is it.