By Ezekiel Buchheit
Arizona Daily Wildcat
October 16, 1997

Guide to the Tropics - Or at Least the Dirt

Arizona Daily Wildcat Ezekiel Buchheit

Since having been here, I have discovered - oh, boy have I discovered - that Mexico is a popular weekend resort for college students. People are attracted to the rich history, the beautiful sights, the scents and the overwhelming sense of hospitality and love that is presented in Mexico's bars. Plus you only have to be 18, or in most cases, breathing, to drink. So it tends to be very popular.

But Mexico can also be dangerous, and having been on this Earth long enough to notice, I have come to realize that some people lack the common sense evident in a boulder and fail to realize this. (This being that Mexico can be dangerous. Though I suppose if they were stupid enough, they wouldn't know how dense they were either.) So out of the goodness of my heart, and the fact that I can get a cheap column out of it, I have compiled a list of tips and helpful phrases to get you through Mexico with at least 80 percent of the limbs you entered with. So without any further ado, whatever the hell that means, I present to you: Ezekiel's Gringo Guide to Mexico.

First, the gear. When going to Mexico it is important to remember to bring only the absolute minimum of what you need. Don't bring your student ID, more than $20, any children that you can't part with or a wallet that you have a bond with of some sort. Dress in conservative, but not overly conservative clothes. The statement we're looking for here is "I have no money, but if you approach me, you can be sure as hell that I will scream like a woman and run like Ricki Lake after the ice cream man."

Another good tip is to keep your eyes at the ground. Eye contact is a bad thing. You know how an ape takes eye contact as some sort of threat, well so do drunken college kids. In fact, drunken college kids take EYES as some sort of threat. Even if you were blind from birth, missing even developing eyes, you still might piss off some drunk. "Hey, you tapping at me? You tapping at me!!" So when you are in Mexico you like your shoes. They are pretty shoes. Wow, them's sure some shoes.

One of the most difficult things about Mexico is communication; people will come up to you on the street and interrogate you. In order to survive, there are some phrases you need to be able to recognize and some you need to be able say.

Phrases you need to be able to say:

"No tengo dinero - I have no money."

"Por favor Señor, el baton no - Please sir not the nightstick."

"Cuánto es - How much?"

"Que chingados es eso - That is a scam!"

"Corona - OK, I'll have a Corona."

"Veinte dolares? Bueno amor, por mucho tiempo? Esta bueno yo entro. - $20? Good loving long time? All right, I'm in."

Phrases you need to be able to recognize:

"Favor de no escupir en la calle, hará danio a la tierra. - Please don't spit on the street, you will disturb the dirt."

"Oye huero te vamos a chingar por todo tu dinero puto! - (If you here this, just get the hell out of there NOW!)"

When you come back through the border the border police are going to ask you your country of origin. The answer to this question is: USA. Not U of A. Trust me, I have made this mistake and it ain't pretty.

A good idea is to have a designated driver for the ride back. An easy way to choose this driver is to find the person in your group most notorious for drinking to excess and vomiting, and force him to be sober. This gives you both a driver and the added benefit of driving back in a relatively unsoiled vehicle.

But if your driver does have a few drinks, and I do not suggest this, remember that there is a sobriety test just as you get back on the freeway. If you plan to drink and drive - remember that I in no way endorse this - practice these things while you are drunk and sober so you can pass your sobriety test.

First when the cop asks if you can remember the alphabet, ask him if he wants it in English, Greek or Cyrillic. This should impress the cop. After this (though it may not make it past this point if he picks something other than English and you can't say it) try some target projectile vomiting. This will score you some serious points. And when the officer asks why you decided to take your car to warp factor six, explain to him calmly and in simple syntax, that you were merely trying to create gravity through your speed and the curve of the Earth to keep you from flying off into the stratosphere.

So there you go. Have fun in Mexico, don't mention my name and drink a couple of beers for me. For some reason, they always make me the designated driver.

Ezekiel Buchheit is a freshman majoring in English.