A Personal Question

Arizona Daily Wildcat

In these confused times, one may resort to drastic action. You may, for example, feel compelled to ask your lab partner on a date, despite the fact that s/he speaks incessantly of microbes. You may consider phoning your ex, for old time's sake, and then remember with bitter regret that all those restraining orders are there for a reason. Or, you may resort to the truly unthinkable. You may decide to place a personal ad.

Nowhere is the Valentine's Virus more evident than in the coquettish columns of your local personal ad section. The goal is to convince your future sweetie-pie that you're the kind of person who's placing an ad by choice - not a desperate, unattractive, maladjusted or incarcerated freak who couldn't get a date from a camel.

All this in 30 words or less. Luckily, personal ads have a style all their own, a simple model which any person can follow.

Rule #1: Truth is irrelevant. You must exude confidence, even if you are normally too shy to ask for extra hot sauce at Los Betos, or plagued by nightmares where you show up to class nude. Do not reveal the droll details of your puny existence. Rather, turn a weakness into a strength by utilizing Personalspeak. "Moderately attractive, enjoys sitting in front of TV, drinking canned beer, suffers chronic indigestion" becomes "Handsome, enjoys relaxing, cinema, fine wine. Sensitive."

Rule #2: Use generalized language that conveys no real information about your personality. In the personals, adjectives otherwise reserved for best-selling self-help books spill like candy from a busted piö#241;ata. It is highly recommended that you use at least one, if not all, of the following words in your ad: fun, compassionate, nurturing, considerate, youthful and, most importantly, independent. Words and phrases to avoid include neurotic, sweaty, tweaker, prone to rashes and "In Therapy and Loving It."

Rule # 3: Throw in some arbitrary qualities which your prospective mate must have, to prove you are not some pathetic clown who would accept a date from just anyone. This can be done easily with age specifications: "Between 18 and 43-and-a-half," or occupations: "Looking for someone involved with baked goods."

Rule #4: You must love hiking. This is, without question, the most important element in every personal ad ever written. The word "hiking" appears so often, it's probably a secret code for "sex." Even if the thought of hiking fills you with sharp, phantom pains in your calf muscles, even if the sight of those clunky hiking boots makes your petite little feet curl up in fear, you must love hiking, and say so.

With these four simple rules, you're already on your way to a Valentino-style Valentine's Day with someone as equally outgoing, fun-loving, passionate and spontaneous as you are, where you can sprinkle the evening with "long walks," "stimulating conversation," and, of course, a general "love of nature."