Rodman is all about the money

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Jensen Karp

Well, Dennis Rodman, you absolute idiot, I'm here to let you know.

Are you kidding me? Monday, Rodman held a press conference to announce that he "would like to play" basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers this season. Wait, can anyone do this? Okay then, I'll have a press conference Friday to express that I also would like to play for the Lakers. I think teams will really be impressed with my freshman year high school basketball footage.

Rodman's illogical reasoning for holding a media spectacle to unload his thoughts was hardly the worst of it. One really begins to wonder what is going on under those ridiculously ugly hats he wears.

Rodman began the meeting by "revealing" that he has been in negotiations with the Lakers to sign a contract. Revealing? Rodman, everybody knew that one. I think those numerous metallic piercings strategically jammed in your face may have given you lockjaw and impaired your common sense.

When a reporter stood up and demanded that Rodman be more conclusive about his plans, Rodman the dimwit began to berate the reporter and fall deeper into his spiral of insanity.

Rodman yelled, "You don't have to be here if you don't want to be here. You can walk out that door."

All right, this guy is about as stable as Mike Tyson judging a Hawaiian Tropic "Hot Body" contest while popping Viagra like Pez.

After his tirade against the media, a frustrated attendee commented to the demented Rodman that he was an extremely selfish player. At that moment, Rodman broke down and began to cry...like the woman he is...late at night...alone...in front of his mirror. I really hope Rodman's eye-makeup didn't run or smear from the dripping tears.

Cry me a river, you over-rated moron. As you pout about your "minimum wage," receiving $12,000 a game, I'll go search under my couch pillows for change to go get some Top Ramen for dinner. Rodman also explained he would be donating his salary this season to a number of worthy charities. I'm betting that's more of a community service duty than an act of humanity.

And what about the $9 million dollars you got last year, and the multimillion dollar endorsement contracts you have with Converse and Carl's, Jr.? Before we call Sally Struthers to start raising money and food donations for you, let's start reviewing your bank account.

When Rodman was asked if his new wife, Carmen Electra, had anything to do with the decision, he answered that they both came to the conclusion while she was "masturbating me off" in their hotel room. And what charities will you be donating to Rodman?

This guy is about as confused as RuPaul deciding on which bathroom to enter. As a resident of Los Angeles, I implore Jerry West to look beyond his rebounding titles and the numerous championship rings, and look at his psychological mindset. Believe me, the last thing L.A. needs is another nutcase roaming the streets.

Jensen Karp is a sophomore majoring in media arts. He can be reached at Jensen.Karp@wildcat.arizona.edu.