What I did over my vacation

By Tony Carnavale
Arizona Daily Wildcat
March 25, 1999

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Arizona Daily Wildcat
Tony Carnavale

It's nearly a week after Spring Break, and you still haven't recovered. The wine flowed like beer, the women were almost as exciting as the social diseases you contracted from them, and the bacchanalian debauchery you indulged in would have made Bacchus himself blush. Still, you're wondering, "How did my Spring Break measure up to that of some guy who writes a column?" You're in luck, sweet-cheeks. Here are my extensive notes.

Thursday, March 11.

Skipped all classes in order to prepare for Break. Bought the following items at Safeway: One two-liter bottle of Coca-Cola, one bag of Pillsbury All-Purpose Flour, one toothbrush. Wrote last will and testament.

Friday, March 12.

Skipped all classes for the second time. Realized that allowing two days for preparation was excessive. Didn't care. Slept.

Saturday, March 13.

The beginning of Spring Break! To celebrate, had a pizza delivered to apartment. (Olive and mushroom.) Closed all the shades, smeared pizza toppings across naked chest. Danced the lambada with cardboard effigy of Dilbert.

Sunday, March 14.

Watched "60 Minutes" while wearing only Dangermouse underoos. Leslie Stahl is a fox. Called a cute girl I know and breathed into the phone until she hung up. Beat self in the head repeatedly with rolling pin.

Monday, March 15.

This period is absent from my memory.

Tuesday, March 16.

Woke up early. Discovered that plumbing had been shut off due to not paying the water bill for 16 weeks. Read entire newspaper, then separated it into individual sheets and lined bedroom with it.

Wednesday, March 17. Frolicked in what appeared to be autumn mist. Let the good times roll. Got down with bad self. Partied hearty. Accidentally set fire to own ass.

Thursday, March 18.

Played the Jerry Springer drinking game, whose rules are as follows: watch Jerry Springer while drinking. Attempted to fit self into filing cabinet for organizational purposes. Was not successful.

Friday, March 19.

Taught self to play "The Star-Spangled Banner" with own nose. Went Crisco-skating. (How to Crisco-skate: pour melted Crisco across kitchen floor. Remove clothing. Next, use your imagination!)

Saturday, March 20.

Checked out Dennis Rodman's autobiography, Bad As I Wanna Be, from library. Determined that Dennis Rodman must not "wanna" be very "bad," because he has never tried eating raw Ball Park franks. Now, that is bad. Also, ate raw Ball Park Franks.

Sunday, March 21.

Watched an episode of Masterpiece Theatre. Enjoyed a fine cigar and the company of intellectual ladies. Read The New York Times, then went to the opera. Retired to the parlor, where Jeeves had prepared a tray of caviar. Just kidding! Actually, got really really drunk.