'I'm not a freak, really'

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat David J. Cieslak

The exam deals with very personal subjects - being groped, sleeping with relatives - topics that are close to my heart.

It's a scored test. Each time you answer "yes" to a question, you score a certain amount of points.

For example, if you've contracted an STD, you're the lucky recipient of an automatic 12 notches. Got it from a member of the same sex during oral intercourse? You just earned 28.

Some legendary people have scored nearly 200 points, including sports reporter Seth Doria, who's had enough one-night-stands and smoked enough crack to raise his score to 180.

There's also the low end of the totem pole. Wildcat reporter Erin Mahoney - who hasn't even seen herself naked, much less participated in a "69" - scored a six.

I only received a 92 on the "Corruption Test." Kinda sad, I know.

On the sexual experience side of the test, I didn't rack up too much. Because I spend a lot of time in the newsroom, I spend no time receiving "carpet burns in relation to a sexual act." (4 points)

I also have yet to lick an eyeball (1 point) or have sex with a relative (5 points).

But I'm slightly hesitant to confess that my score would have been a mere 72 without a 20-point boost from one question: "Does necrophelia, pedophilia or bestiality turn you on?"

Ladies and gentlemen, I have enjoyed watching a horse have sex with a woman on the Internet.

I'm not a freak. Really.

I haven't violated my dog and will never harm any innocent chickens.

But, for mere seconds, I was turned on by a horse and a woman, together as one. It's not really that bad, but Corruption Test officials decided I should be branded with a 20-point addition.

The test also includes questions about alcohol and drugs. While I've done no hard drugs, I am proud of my raging alcoholism and gladly garnered four points for the question: "Ever drink enough to throw up?"

I have been drunk for 48 hours (8 points) and I most definitely drink three or more times a week (3 points).

Why am I not ashamed to share my score with 40,000 readers? Because I'm proud to be a drunk, sexless idiot.

It's really not all that embarrassing. In fact, I scored higher than many of my colleagues, thanks to a strong lust for Jack Daniels and Bud Light.

I'm the perfect test subject for UA Student Health's surveys. Yes, I drink to get drunk and I like it. I go to parties and wake up with my own vomit dribbling down my chin and my hand down my pants.

In retrospect, I could probably get some points for everything in that last sentence. I would invite you to try the test. It's actually kind of fun, as long as you're alone so that your friends don't find out you've made someone sleep in the wet spot (6 points).

In fact, if you read this column at www.wildcat.arizona.edu, you can try all 50 questions.

And hey, if anyone out there has a bad case of gonorrhea, come down to the newsroom. Don't bring protection...I could use the 12 points.

David J. Cieslak is a journalism sophomore. He can be reached at David.J.Cieslak@wildcat.arizona.edu.

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