Money, insurance... and automatic weapons

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Ezekiel Buchheit

I moved, actually, quite a bit on. Got married, conceived a child (due to be placed on this Earth Dec. 22) and decided maybe, just a little, I would grow up.

As part of this growing up, I needed to start paying bills and such. One of these bills being auto insurance. Here's the deal with that. My wife needs insurance. I don't. We have two cars, but decided that since I don't desire to spend any more time in jail, that I probably won't be driving one of those cars, so we would only insure one of them. So we called around to various companies, told them our story and found an insurance place that would take our money (as if you would think THAT would be difficult).

They insisted that in order to insure my wife, I too must be insured. The logic being that while legally I can't drive a car, I probably would do so anyway. I asked them if I had never had a license, if I would need insurance. They said of course not.

So rather than try to explain to them why the logic behind this is far beyond my grasp, which I imagine would be like explaining complex astrophysics to a mollusk, I agreed, handed them money and left happily with our new auto insurance.

Okay, what was my first mistake? I left thinking something had been accomplished.

About a month later, and several weeks after I had shelled out well over $700 for our policy, I got a letter informing me that our policy had been canceled due to some late breaking news involving our drivers records. That news? My license was currently under suspension.

And now the logic was beginning to make sense. It works along these lines: we take your money and then laugh as we kick dirt in your face! HA HA HA!

The whole time I thought that I had been dealing with human beings, but it turns out that insurance companies are in fact run by Satan! And his Merciless Band of Heartless Imps. In fact S.A.M.H.I. (Satan! And His Merciless Band of Heartless Imps) is a large conglomerate also in charge of the IRS, police enforcement, the government, 90 percent of the media, everybody who gave a fuck when Di died, but not Mother Teresa, and surprisingly, Taco Bell.

I plan to explain to them that I want money the same way I explained to a certain Tucsonian Credit Union. I won't mention their name, but I will tell you that they are closely involved with Saguaro cacti. Anyway, this credit union, whose name I haven't technically mentioned, decided that I wasn't spending my money wisely and that they had far better things to spend my money on, so they (this is true) took it. All of it. In fact, more than I had, and then they dragged me in to yell at me and threaten to sue.

This discussion between the bank manager and me lasted, and this I am proud of, an entire 15 seconds before I was irate. But being the cool and rational individual that I am, I took a deep breath, stepped out into the middle of the banking floor where maybe thirty customers were waiting to be helped, and started screaming at the top of my lungs, bitching about how they would steal your money, rape your daughters, how the manager kept the heads of kittens as trophies on his desk, etc.

I believe I handled it very well. And this is precisely how I plan to handle the insurance people. However this time, for the sake of emphasis, I plan to use a tech-9.

The idiots in power are taking this country over bit by bit. And they're breeding.

We've got to stop this before our whole country starts to look like a taping of Jerry Springer. Anyway, I suppose I have nothing left to say, Sam down at the post office is teaching me how to use my tech-9 and it's time for a lesson.

So good-bye, and be good to yourselves, and good to one another.

Ezekiel Buchheit is a former UA student and can be reached via e-mail at Ezekiel.Buchheit@wildcat.arizona.edu. His column appears every Friday.