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An open letter to UA parents

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Phil Villarreal

Dear Parents of the University of Arizona, I would like to welcome you this weekend on behalf of the students here at this grand learning institution. Please disregard the hellholish mess of a campus that we currently have. I assure you, the construction is a necessity in order to provide a more beautiful environment for students in the future.

This might screw over your current son/daughter, but think of your son/daughter's current kid sister/brother, Pat. Twelve-year-old Pat will certainly benefit from this construction. Well, Pat won't, but his/her children certainly will. In the year 2030, the "New U" will be ready to go.

All pleasantries aside, it's time to get down to business.

NOTE TO STUDENTS: You are not allowed to read past this point. The following information is for parents only.

Come on, I said stop reading. Go study or go on a drinking binge or something. Let your parents and me have a little heart-to-heart.

I still see you holding this paper. Let it go in five seconds or I swear I'll smack you. Five, four, three...

All right. Now that the little money-grubbers are gone, it's time to level with you. You're about 20 years from retirement, and you'll be relying on your kids to take care of you when you're an incoherent, babbling mess of a senior citizen.

Right now your kid is doing his or her best to become a money-making dynamo. You might be giving Junior money now, but believe me, pops, a couple decades from now that situation will be reversed.

So this is your opportunity to do all you can to give your kids some good memories of you. In other words, this weekend is as good a time as any to trick your kids into loving you more. This will translate into cold, hard cash in the future.

To quote a contemporary rap song (knowledge of current music is an effective way to communicate with those under the age of 25) "It's all about the Benjamins."

The word "Benjamins" refers to Benjamin Franklin. Remember? The dude who was president when you were in grade school. His face is on $100 bills.

So here's what you do:

Step One: Take your kid out to a nice restaurant. When your kid hears that you are coming, a flashing neon light goes off in his head. It reads "FREE FOOD." So take him somewhere nice.

Step Two: Buy your kid a case of Sunny Delight. It's a healthy drink, and you want your child to know that you care about his/her health. And trust me, they could really use it during parties too. Let's just say that Sunny Delight mixed with (NOTE TO PARENTS: SKIP THIS NEXT WORD) vodka V-8 creates a nutritious drink.

Step Three: Don't ask about classes. The phrase "How is school going?" is compiled of the four dumbest words in the English language. Economists estimate that each time you employ that phrase in conversation, you deduct $500 from your future expected earnings from your children.

They don't want to talk about how they failed their last physics test, and face it - do you really want to hear about it? Of course not. Asking about classes is bad business.

Remember, this weekend, secure your future by keeping in mind that it's all about the Benjamins.