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Buchanan for President

Making fun of insane politicians is what columnists live for.

But although this column could easily poke fun at presidential candidate Pat Buchanan, things are never accomplished by taking the easy way out.

So I will make an attempt - feeble as it may be - to achieve the unthinkable.

This column endorses Pat Buchanan for President of the United States of America.

Most impressive of all are Buchanan's positions on the issues. On education, he is looking to improve things for everyone by getting rid of primary and secondary public schooling. Privatize it all! You have to admit Buchanan is more decisive than his two big dog opponents, Al Gore and George W. Bush, who just keep fighting over vouchers. If we just get rid of public schools, as Buchanan promises to do, vouchers won't even be an issue.

On maintaining America's borders, nobody is as assertive as Buchanan. He has stated that he wants to build a great big wall separating the good guys - Americans - from the bad guys - illegal immigrants from Mexico. We can call it the Great Wall of America. After all, nothing is hurting this country more than the illegals.

If we don't build the wall soon like Buchanan wants to, America is going straight to hell.

And on gun control, Buchanan just makes the most sense. Gun control legislation cannot curb gun violence, so it's pointless. Never mind that thirteen children die every day due to handgun accidents! Buchanan believes everything's just find, so there's no reason to stop the NRA! As he so eloquently stated, "Whenever I hear the term collectivism, I release the safety clip from my revolver."

Those who believe Buchanan doesn't have a chance in hell of winning obviously do not understand the dynamics of modern politics. America clearly wants a third-party extremist running this country. Buchanan himself pointed out that Arizona Senator's John McCain's popularity in the GOP primary race reflects that America is ready to give an underdog a shot.

"The American electorate is more ready to roll the dice than it has ever been in my lifetime," he told the Associated Press. "The...willingness to look at a third party is greater than its ever been."

Yes, and McCain and Buchanan are such similar creatures with such an equal desire to reform.

Of course McCain might not want to build a Great Wall of America and perhaps is less willing to throw away public education, but other than that the two are identical! Perhaps, if he's lucky, Buchanan can get all those moderate Republicans who pulled for McCain to swing to the ultra-right-wing Reform side. Perhaps he can win this election.

After all, Pat Buchanan is the kind of ultra right-wing extremist America is pining for after the hell Clinton put the country through for eight treachorous years.

Even though the country generally isn't nice to third parties, Buchanan is sticking with the race until the end. He might have odds against him, like not being allowed to participate in presidential debates. All candidates are required to have 15 percent support in the polls in order to be considered a viable candidate. Buchanan plans to complain to the FEC for this ridiculous requirement.

If Pat Buchanan isn't a viable candidate, who is? Even though he will probably meet the 15 percent requirement, he shouldn't even have to. Buchanan's sheer will to lead this nation ought to be enough.

Unfortunately, Buchanan might have some competition within his own party. Texas billionaire Ross Perot hasn't ruled out the possiblility of a third presidential race.

But Pat Buchanan's the real Reform candidate. Everyone knows Perot's campaign is a joke!

And Buchanan's long-term goal is to unite the divided Reform party which was first founded by Perot. He says he'll never return to the Republican party because it's "snobbish." He'll never reduce himself to the Democrats because they're communists. Pat Buchanan is a Reformer, and he's best candidate for President of the United States.

Mark it on your calendar, make a to-do list: November 7: Vote Buchanan for President.

Sheila Bapat is a political science sophomore.