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PHILOSOPHY-Cheat the heat

When Rob Thomas wrote the line "Well it's a hot one ... Like seven inches from the mid-day sun" for the Carlos Santana duet, "Smooth," he must have had Tucson in mind.

If only it felt like the sun were a full seven inches away here. It seems more like five - and rapidly decreasing.

These days, the temperature is rising faster than the tuition rate, and we all need ways to cope with the heat.

Things like sunscreen, shades and protective clothing are so passˇ. We're college students, so we should think of innovative, fresh ways to beat the heat.

Pour some ice down your pants.

This is as simple as it sounds. Just grab a bucket of ice, suck in your stomach, and let the good times begin. You'd be amazed how quickly this method cools you off.

Don't let peer pressure stop you from doing this, either. The first couple times people see you walking down the mall with awkwardly bulging, wet pants, they might sneer, point and say, "That (guy/girl) has ice in (his/her) pants, doesn't (he/she)? What a geek!"

But those comments will be lined with envy. Just watch - those same skeptics will be sticking ice down their own pants in a matter of days.

The advocate approach.

The sun is an uncaring, dominant entity that doesn't seem to care what students on this campus want, kind of like a university president.

How do students fight something that is infinitely more powerful than them and doesn't care what they have to say?

Protest.

We should form an alliance called SAS (Students Against Suns). With a well-designed strategy of marches, sit-ins and hunger strikes, maybe we can draw a little sympathy from the 864,000-mile-wide star that oppresses us from 93 million miles away.

Sure, the SAS might not make the sun change its ways by joining an organization called the WRC (Weaker Radiating Coronas), but fighting the power is worth a try.

Trying to stop the sun from being so hot is an easier task than, say, trying to get multibillion-dollar corporations from using cheap foreign labor.

Go to class.

This one, suggested by my girlfriend, is definitely the most painful solution - if not the most radical. But she does have a point.

Classrooms are usually pretty well-cooled, so it might be worth sitting through a torturous lecture in exchange for 50 minutes of hi-tech air conditioning. Besides, if you've already gotten out of bed and come to campus on a 100-degree day, sitting inside a classroom beats sitting on the frying pan that is the UA Mall.

Pour some ice down your pants.

This is as simple as it ... wait - I already mentioned this one, didn't I? That's because it's such a great idea. The technique also works with Otter Pops.

Walk around naked.

Depending on your body, this may or may not be agreeable to other students, but walking around naked is guaranteed to make it easier to withstand the sun. To avoid any "indecent exposure" law violations, just grab a Wildcat or two and strategically wrap it around certain parts of your body.

But there is one drawback to going to class naked - because you're not wearing anything, you can't drop any ice or Otter Pops down your pants.