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PHILOSOPHY - Year in review

Whew! That was a quick school year, wasn't it? It's time to review the people and events that shaped the last nine months - just in case you had your head buried too deep in books or margarita shots to notice what was going on around you.

AUGUST: The UA football team, ranked in the nation's top five by most publications, misses the flight to Penn State for the season-opening football game. But the male cheerleaders do make the flight and are forced to play instead. Penn State wins 104-0.

SEPTEMBER: A band of terrorists begins to make gaping holes in the UA campus. UA officials cover up the incident and say the damage was done as part of a "construction project" on an "Integrated Instructional Facility," a supposed underground building for freshmen. When the same terrorists knock down Gallagher Theatre, UA officials claim aliens abducted the building.

OCTOBER: All is calm until the end of the month, when members of what appears to be a nationwide underground organization of little kids dressed up in costumes travel door to door and rob candy from unsuspecting adults, shouting "Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Give me something good to eat!"

If the adults do not provide candy, the children shout "If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear." Sexual harassment suits are filed.

NOVEMBER: It gets a little bit colder. Also, Microsoft is found guilty of not only anti-trust and other illegal business practices, but also assassinating both Kennedy brothers in the 1960s. It is rumored that Microsoft will appeal the ruling.

DECEMBER: The world braces for the Y2K disaster. Also, Santa Claus forgets to deliver presents to Germany.

JANUARY: Y2K chaos ensues. Computers crash, airplanes collide in mid-air, and toaster ovens begin to turn on their masters and hold entire households captive. Upon witnessing this devastation, Superman, Bill Gates (still stinging from the Kennedy accusations) and Mark McGwire team up to reprogram every computer in the world and erase the Y2K bug.

Because McGwire doesn't know much about computers, he just bashes the ones that don't work with his baseball bat. After Gates and his band of trusty techno-nerds finish personally reprogramming every computer correctly on January 17, Superman flies backward around the earth 18 times to turn back time to December 31 and make it so there was no Y2K disaster.

FEBRUARY: This month was skipped because of an awkward leap-year rule which demands that every 2000th February be erased from the calendar.

MARCH: At the NCAA basketball tournament, the UA has a second-round game scheduled against Wisconsin. Because UA officials don't believe people from Wisconsin have the coordination to even dribble a basketball at all, much less form a team, the No. 4-ranked team does not fly to the game in Salt Lake City. The male cheerleaders are again sent as a precaution, and they proceed to lose to Wisconsin, 70-14.

APRIL: A Cuban boy nicknamed "Illegal Elian" threatens the United States government by staying with relatives in Miami. Because the boy is rumored to have been trained as an assassin by the Cuban government, brave INS officials save the nation by storming the Little Havana, Fla., home with machine guns and expelling the dangerous little boy from the country.

MAY: In a wide-reaching, old joke, millions of airline pilots shout "May Day, May Day, May Day!" into their flight radios on May 1, even though they aren't crashing. Not much else has happened yet.

Phil Villarreal is a business management senior. He can be reached at catalyst@wildcat.arizona.edu.