Search

ARCHIVES
CONTACT US
WORLD NEWS

The reasons to celebrate Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is just three days away, but I'm having trouble getting in the spirit. There are so many things that I'm unthankful for.

I'm unthankful for my roommate's two cats, who run around my apartment and "claim their territory," if you catch my drift.

I'm unthankful that my tuition waiver got taken away this year after my GPA fell .008 points below the requirement.

I'm unthankful for the Cardinals, the football team that lets me down by losing more than it wins.

I'm unthankful that I had to cancel my newspaper subscription because some jackass kept stealing my paper everyday.

All the same, there are so many cool things about Thanksgiving. First of all, there's football. Two games back-to-back, and it's not even Sunday.

Second, there's no school, not that I would go to classes anyway on a day that two NFL games are being played.

And third, there's free food -Øfree food made by other people.

All of those things are reasons why I'll have a good time Thursday. And to a degree, all of those are things to be thankful for. But come on, just because there's food, football and no school, does that make it a holiday?

If every Saturday morning I spent on the couch in my underwear eating a bag of Doritos with a college football game on the television counted as a holiday, then there'd be, like, 15 Thanksgivings each year.

Having 15 Thanksgivings a year is just silly, so I am hereby starting a movement to rename the final Thursday of each November to, with apologies to McDonald's, "Food, Folks and Football Day."

That name wouldn't fit very well on greeting cards, but at least it would be honest.

We're all taught at a young age that the first Thanksgiving took place hundreds of years ago at Plymouth Rock. We're told about a delightful dinner between Native Americans and pilgrims. Peace pipes were smoked, and turkey and cornbread were passed around for all to share.

Later on in life, we find out what happened after that dinner. The Pilgrims invited a few million of their friends and family members over, and after a couple hundred years of battles, sham treaties and genocide, took every ounce of land that once belonged to their dinner hosts.

So when we celebrate Thanksgiving, what we're actually celebrating is deception that leads to thievery.

Not that I'm clean of this myself. I absolutely plan on deceiving and stealing on Thursday.

I'll drive over to my uncle's house and visit about 30 of my relatives. They'll think that I'm there to see them, but the reality will be that I'm strictly there for the food.

I could care less about my Aunt Becky's toe surgery, but I'll probably listen to a story about it because it will pass the time until I get free turkey and mashed potatoes.

If there was no food at that place, I'd be on the first bus to Tijuana to find something to really be thankful for - lap dances.