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Issue 1: Barbie has a navel

Wednesday, Mattel Inc. announced that new Barbie figures, starting this summer will have a navel. Previously, Barbie had a freaky little crease separating her torso from her waist area. This is, without a doubt, a step in the right direction. For years, people have been complaining: that women are traumatized by the fact that she's too unrealistic. She is getting more realistic, and we should all be happy. Now that we've started, we can hope for more improvements in future Barbies. If we're lucky? Nipples. If not? Cellulite.

Hopefully, this will buck the trend of new and improved Barbies coming out poorly. The wheelchair-bound Barbie of a couple years ago couldn't actually fit through the door of the Barbie dream house. The earlier high school Barbie had a voice chip that reminded young women that "Math is hard." It doesn't seem like this Barbie could go wrong, but you never know: she might be an "outtie."

Issue 2: National Freedom to Marry Day

Apparently, somebody decided that Saturday is National Freedom to Marry Day. This may be one thing that Congress hasn't declared a holiday for - hope everyone remembered to celebrate national cheese month - but it probably deserves one. Until now, the biggest argument used against legal recognition of marriage by gays is that no religion wants to marry them, but that's not the point. Even if religious leaders don't want to marry two people of the same sex, the government should allow justices of the peace to bind any two people in a legally-enforced union. Seeing as President Clinton has vowed to veto the proposed repeal of the marriage tax, it would even mean more money paid in taxes: and how can we be against that?

Issue 3: Internet Security

Over the course of the past week, some of the most visited sites on the Internet, including Amazon.com, E-trade and Ebay have been shut down by hackers. As to date, we don't know who is orchestrating the attacks, nor why. Internet discussion rooms are filled with conjecture on the nature and purpose of the attacks. Some say that it is the work of government agents - trying to help President Clinton get his stalled cyber-terrorism bill through Congress. Others say that this is some sort of Austin Powersish scheme, and someone will soon come on the airwaves, claiming responsibility and demanding ten billion dollars or the real trouble will start. The most likely solution? The culprits are a group of amateur hackers, unable to do something with real panache, like making the Department of Defense Web site advocate crack smoking. Rather, these amateurs are just enjoying themselves with a series of uncoordinated, nonspecific acts of vandalism. We should just ignore it, and they are certain to go away.

Issue 4: Earnest goes to Heaven.

Yesterday, we learned of the demise of one of Hollywood's great actors. After starring in nine Earnest films, including "Earnest saves Christmas," the classic, "Earnest goes to camp," and the absurdist, imagist tour-de-force "Earnest Scared Stupid," Jim Varney said his last "Hey, Vern." He died of cancer at age fifty, leaving behind a rich legacy. No, we don't know what the legacy consists of, but after starring in 11 movies, he has to have left something behind.

Issue 5: Laura Bush on campus

Wednesday, GOP candidate - no, we're no longer going to call him front-runner - and pretty boy George W. Bush decided to make a campaign stop in Arizona. Of course, he was far too busy dealing with important states like South Carolina - where they still haven't figured out who won the War of Northern Aggression - to come here. So he sent his wife. She got in on a photo-op with UA President Peter Likins, and promptly flew back up to South Carolina, where signs proclaim that "This is Bush country."

It's a nice thought, to give us, the poor bereft people of Arizona some consideration - but it is a sad statement that we don't even rate a visit from George W. Bush. Sure, he came here last semester, but this snubbing is just another good reason to vote McCain.