Best Picture
"Lost in Translation"
One word: karaoke. No other movie that's up for Best Picture had a karaoke scene. Therefore, it cannot be as great. As much as I wanted to be unpredictable, I have to choose this movie.
Best Director
Peter Jackson
The man needs his props for making the longest movie ever and somehow making it entertaining. Frequent shots of Frodo's face and 800 endings aside, Jackson did a phenomenal job.
Best Screenplay
"Lost in Translation"
Sophia Coppola created two of the most likable characters and the most intriguing love story since "Roman Holiday." And she did it while being cool, smart and a woman. Nicely done.
Best Actor
Johnny Depp
It could be my infatuation with Keith Richards (and Depp) that has led to this decision, but Depp put on a good show, and we all know it. May the hottest man win.
Best Actress
Keisha Castle-Hughes
At the age of 13, I obsessed about boys and watched TV. She made a movie about the oppression of women, and made me cry in the process. I'm impressed, you?
Best Picture
"Lost In Translation"
Because this movie was tender, beautiful and funny. Bill Murray is sexy and beautiful. The other movies in the category all sucked except "Lord of the Rings", but this one was better.
Best Director
Peter Jackson
Best Art Direction would be a better category, and "Girl With A Pearl Earring" would win because of Scarlett Johansson. But Peter Jackson is good, I guess.
Best Screenplay
"I don't think this is really a category"
So I vote "Sex and the City." I drank a whole bottle of champagne and cried for two hours and 15 minutes, the best 135 minutes of my life.
Best Actor
Bill Murray
I'm sorry Johnny Depp, but Bill Murray has out-sexied you once and for all. He has out-sexied the world. He has even out-sexied Japan and Scarlett Johansson.
Best Actress
Charlize Theron
She had to GAIN WEIGHT to play a homeless woman - that's weird. The movie was depressing, but Theron was wonderful at being miserable and deranged. Bravo.
Best Picture
"The Return of the King"
LOTR has meant so much to this planet we call home. It has done so much for world peace, bringing together "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" geeks for the first time in history.
Best Director
Peter Jackson
Jackson made himself a hobbit-like home with parts of the LOTR set. He must be in the same mystic world as his brother Michael. I will slap both of them in the mouth.
Best Screenplay
"Finding Nemo"
I have a screenplay idea called "Finding Emo." A boy who secretly listens to Dashboard Confessional goes on a quest to find more people like him, who haven't showered in days.
Best Actor
Johnny Depp
Depp must get unbelievable amounts of action. Girls tell me it's because of the mascara he wore in "Pirates." Damn. I've been relying on blush for far too long.
Best Actress
Naomi Watts
Theron was too fat and ugly. The "Whale Rider" girl is too young and Diane Keaton is too old. Naomi Watts! Of course, I'm a man and she shows the most boob.
Best Picture
"The Return of the King"
As far as final installments of trilogies go, "Return of the King" is probably the best. It was way better than "Kill Bill: Volume 3" and "Harry Potter and the Uncomfortable First Sexual Experience."
Best Director
Peter Jackson
I wonder if, back when Peter Jackson was using ketchup to make fake blood in "Dead Alive," he knew he'd be up for an Academy Award one day.
Best Screenplay
"Lost in Translation"
Coppola did such a fantastic job adapting the novel, "The Virgin Suicides" for her first film. But her first original screenplay is fantastic, and almost makes up for her dumping Spike Jonze.
Best Actor
Jude Law
Let me tell you a secret about Jude Law. If you freeze "The Talented Mr. Ripley" while Law is getting out of the bathtub, you can see his weanis. A+++ Fast delivery. Highly recommended.
Best Actress
Diane Keaton
Let me tell you a secret about Diane Keaton. She reveals her breasts in "Something's Gotta Give." That's pretty good for an old broad.