In the mood to be all-American? Want to exercise your patriotism? Well, first register to vote. Then, pile in for a trip to Costco! Forget burgers, apple pie and Coca-Cola, Costco is the way to go to get lunch the way Americans like it: convenient, in bulk and FREE.
OK, so maybe it is true: "There's no free lunch." But Costco, the mecca for bargain-hunters, families of 40 and die-hard shoppers (think anything from Movado watches and Coach bags to Cheerios and toilet paper), offers the closest thing to a free lunch, and it's in the form of free samples.
The costs? Fighting for a paper taster cup and spork when supplies may be limited and demand high as ever. Membership. Find someone with a card and tag along or discreetly attach yourself to a family, use your acting skills and pretend you're the uninterested, oldest child being forced to help shop for the family barbecue.
And so this food review begins, a travel log chronicling my 12-stop journey up and down crowded, hectic aisles in this playground of oh-so-welcome excess.
Bagel Brothers' Energy Bars ($3.95/12 pieces) ÷ I kicked off my lunch with this "bar," which really wasn't much of a bar at all. Despite the misnomer, this big, thick piece of cinnamon raisin bread with butter tasted as good as something that's supposedly good for you can taste.
Harry's Fresh Foods Chicken Marsala ($7.95/40 ounces) ÷ I grabbed a spork and dug into the chicken marsala with mushrooms and penne pasta. The piercing tension I had to endure from a stranger (or, fellow sample vulture) when I grabbed the last taste and gave it to a friend was not worth it for the pasta concoction, whose sauce's mysterious glaze consistency freaked me out.
Zatarain's Rice Variety ($5.95/six boxes) ÷ The next stop was disappointing as well. The jambalaya rice, part of a six-pack of other rice varieties ÷ including "dirty rice" (I was too afraid to ask) and red beans and rice ÷ had just enough spice to call it jambalaya. But all in all it was a waste of carbs.
Kirkland Signature Atlantic Salmon ($6.99/six cans) ÷ I can easily describe this canned salmon on a saltine cracker dish: pleasant surprise. My face probably showed signs of fear as I tried the canned fish, but the salmon was neither fishy nor smoky. Instead, light and tasty.
Kirkland Signature White Albacore ($7.99/six cans) ÷ Just when I thought I was safe from any more canned fish · the tuna fish station. Again, I was pleasantly surprised. This saltine cracker was topped with the tuna fish seasoned with lemon pepper and tossed with a little mayonnaise. Besides free food, it's free advice for classy hors d'oeuvres for your next cocktail party!
Kirkland Signature Super Premium Vanilla Ice Cream ($8.59/gallon. With Wyman's Wild Blueberries $5.19/3 pounds) ÷ This was the most popular taste station, hands down. I mean, how could it not be? This frozen dessert got all the swarming toddlers and me screaming for ice cream!
Naked Juice "Just O-J" ($3.99/128 ounces) ÷ Perfect, something to wash everything down. It was "just o-j," not too pulpy. What more can I say?
Frozings ($7.75/bottle) ÷ Here's where the college student might want to start taking notes. This concentrate (pi–a colada, mango and guava, or strawberry banana) needs a couple cups of ice and a blender to yield a savory frozen delight that would make a perfect mixer. Like the young guy next to me asked the Frozings rep, "Can I get some Malibu?"
Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ($6.25/5.25 pounds; yields 13 dozen cookies) ÷ The piping hot chocolate chip cookie melted in my mouth. I have a feeling, though, that a vat of cookie dough in the fridge won't make it to the oven. Grab a spoon and dig in.
Waleed's Mediterranean Extravaganza ($11.99/any three products) ÷ If Costco only had this one tasting station, that would have been enough. Standing at this array of six or seven different flavors of hummus, paired with indulgent fried pita chips and about 10 different Mediterranean-style salads, like Greek orzo and garden lentil, I felt like a kid at a candy store. It's the Mediterranean food lovers dream! Thanks, Waleed!
Kellogg's Rice Krispie Treats ($6.88/40 bars) ÷ The soft and chewy marshmallow treats were almost as good as the homemade ones. Perfect, a sweet ending to an interesting lunch.
Golden Valley Natural Buffalo Jerky ($6.99/two bags) ÷ Just when I thought I had found a dessert ending in the Rice Krispie treats, I spotted the final stop on my tasting journey. Even though I had to leave the sweet marshmallow taste for the jerky, made from never-corralled buffalo, it was worth it. The jerky was flavorful and more tender than its beef or turkey competitors.
Costco: America's free lunch.