NBA CHAMPIONSHIP
Why are we picking the champs now? Well, two reasons: The first is that this is my last chance to do Staff Picks before a guy who watches "The Bachelor" takes over. The second is that, like most NBA fans, we don't have the patience to wait through two months of playoffs. I'm hoping Sacramento takes it, just so nobody has to watch the Spurs outdefend some Eastern Conference patsy like the Nets.
Sacramento
NHL CHAMPIONSHIP
My due date was July 20, 1981. Exactly nine months earlier, the Phillies won the World Series, bringing the city of Philadelphia its last title. A few months later, while I was in utero, the Eagles lost the Super Bowl. Since then, I've endured the Mitch Williams Incident, two NBA Finals embarrassments, and three consecutive NFC Championship losses. The Curse of Me has got to stop.
Broad Street Bullies
KENTUCKY DERBY
I'm sure George Bush is picking Imperialism, although he'll probably mispronounce it. Pete Sampras is probably betting everything but his incredibly hot wife on Wimbledon. Jean-Claude Van Damme's putting his career on Lion Heart. Ron Jeremy's out of work at the moment, but if he wasn't he'd bet on Tapit. But horse racing odds are harder for me to understand than a T.S. Eliot poem. How would a true English major bet, then? It's obvious.
Read the Footnotes
GOLF'S NEXT MAJOR CHAMPION
Tough one here: fat, pasty ex-ASU douche bag or bland Stanford alumnus with the hottest wife this side of Veronica Vaughn? No way. I'm taking the little-known UA grad with a name that's almost as funny as his swing. Jim Furyk, it's your turn.
Jim Furyk
NBA CHAMPIONSHIP
Well, Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal already have their share of NBA titles, so someone has to make sure that Karl "The Articulate" Malone remains championship-less. Despite the lower seed, the Spurs have home court on L.A., and that'll be enough for them to eliminate the Lakers again. But the Spurs will go down to the Timberwolves in the conference finals. Garnett's patience pays off - it's finally his time.
Minnesota over Detroit in 6
NHL CHAMPIONSHIP
The Philadelphia Coyotes - Jeremy Roenick, Tony Amonte, Sean Burke, Robert Esche - are looking pretty good. But it'd be nice to see the Stanley Cup sent back to Canada where it belongs. And when I say Canada, I don't mean Quebec. How about a nice Maple Leafs vs. Flames final for a change? At least the arenas will be full, even if the ratings suck.
Toronto over Calgary in 7
KENTUCKY DERBY
This is where the horse racing layman throws up his hands and just looks for the coolest name - or the third or fourth favorite. It's boring to go for the No. 1 favorite (The Cliff's Edge at 4-1); and it's dumb to pick the biggest underdog (Birdstone at 50-1). So how about a midrange pick with a kickass name? You just can't go wrong with this one.
Imperialism (15-1)
GOLF'S NEXT MAJOR CHAMPION
Tiger's in quite a slump - for him, anyway - having not won a major in roughly two years. A lot of people think it's all downhill for Mickelson now that he finally won a major with his Masters victory. A lot of people forget Mickelson already had a bunch of top-5 major finishes, which isn't too bad. The way both men have been playing lately, the ASU stud seems the more logical choice.
Phil Mickelson
NBA CHAMPIONSHIP
The West is the best. I've been hearing that garbage for a long time - way too long. This year, the East reigns supreme. After the West gets through beating up on each other, the door will be left ajar for a well-rested team from the East to step up. After all, they'll have three weeks in between series. Indiana is the strongest but the Nets finally get it right.
Nets over Spurs in 7
NHL CHAMPIONSHIP
Obvious picks here are Detroit and Colorado, but at press time, neither was leading its respective series. Back when the NHL season began some 14 months ago, anyone who picked the Lightning and Flames to make it to the second round - let alone the playoffs - would have made the Amazing Creskin crap his pants and forget his name. Here's looking out for your trousers, Creskin!
Lightning over Flames in 6
KENTUCKY DERBY
I'd rather pick the winner of tonight's Great Subway Race at Yankee Stadium. Always bet on the 4-Train. Seeing that 2,526.38 miles separate where I'm sitting from baseball's mecca, I'll pick a pony. Since I know more about picking trains than I do horses, the obvious factor should be odds. Nah, that's boring. Best name wins. Give me a horse that represents the Tucson populous.
Limehouse by a margarita pitcher
GOLF'S NEXT MAJOR CHAMPION
It won't be Phil. I'll put $50 on Limehouse before I pick Mickelson to win another major. The odds are better. Tiger is in a funk, perhaps because he's too busy making minivan commercials. Or maybe it's the obvious reason. Do you think his new wife calls him Tiger or Eldrick? Once Tiger realizes he needs his coach back, he'll start winning again.
Tiger