Two ideologies will meet on Frank Kush Field in Tempe's Sun Devil Stadium this Friday.
No, we are not talking about communism vs. capitalism. This is much more important: Sun Devils vs. Wildcats.
The 77th Territorial Cup game will be played with much more at stake than a trophy that, until recently, was on display at Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix.
The hatred that these two schools share for each other is so strong that marriages have not been allowed because the prospective fiancˇe is either a Sun Devil or a Wildcat - whichever one would taint the blood of the family.
The solution for that problem is simple: Marry a Lumberjack.
But, when it comes down to it, there is more to measure these two schools by than just what transpires on the field this Friday.
An old game of pigskin is just one way to stack these two schools up against each other, and in years like this when the Pac-10 cellar is at stake, we need more to decide, once and for all, which school is better:
Best movie character: Rod Tidwell vs. Rick Vaughn
Before you say anything: Rick Vaughn wasn't a Wildcat, I know. But, "Major League" was filmed in Tucson, qualifying him for this contest.
Besides, I am sure that readership of the Wildcat would triple if there truly was a "Wild Thing" roaming our beautiful campus. It would be like having our own Dennis Rodman.
As far as Rod Tidwell goes, this one is a piece of cake. "Show me the money?" That wins you an Academy Award these days? I guess Cuba Gooding Jr.'s brother, Omar, got all the true athletic/acting talent in the family. You may know him as D.H., the star running back on ESPN's "Playmakers". One final blow to Rod Tidwell? The Arizona Cardinals, baby. The Arizona Cardinals.
Verdict: The UA and the City of Tucson. "How do you like them apples?" (sorry, wrong movie)
Best nightlife: Fourth Avenue vs. Mill Avenue
Fourth Avenue has it all. The best sandwich shop in town - BisonWitches- resides smack dab in the middle of our own little eclectic society known as Fourth Avenue. With Maloney's, O'Malley's and the Shanty, to name just a few of the fine establishments lining this road, there is plenty to do before and after Wildcat sporting events.
Mill Avenue, on the other hand, has the Library, a bar where the waitresses dress up like Catholic schoolgirls - which is nice until you realize that the only girls in the place are the waitresses. Let the sausage fest begin.
To be fair, there are a few other bars on Mill that are decent, and the fact that there is no smoking in bars in Tempe means you leave smelling like a rose as opposed to an ashtray. Mill could win with that alone, but with the newest fad in college life being rioting, Fourth Avenue gets a bonus point for the 2001 NCAA aftermath.
Verdict: Fourth Avenue, by the length of a police baton.
Worse scandal: point shaving vs. candy theft
It started with a roughed-up vending machine in a Lawrence, Kansas hotel last year, and culminated with an admitted mistake by another Wildcat player, who will remain nameless, stealing a candy bar. As much of a black eye as "Hershey's Gate" has been for the Wildcat basketball squad, a made-for-TV movie won't be made out of this fiasco.
On the other hand, up in Tempe, the Sun Devils will live in infamy for being caught up in the point-shaving scandal arranged by an undergrad by the name of Benny Silman and former ASU player Stevin "Hedake" Smith.
Verdict: ASU, by a Butterfinger.
Actor: Gary Shandling (UA) vs. David Spade (ASU)
Two words: "Joe Dirt."
Verdict: See previous line.
Female Athlete: Finch vs. any ASU female athlete
She won a National Championship as a Wildcat, has struck out major leaguers and won ESPN's Page 2 "Hottest Athlete" competition over Anna Kournikova. But Jennie Finch isn't done yet. Finch will be looking to lead Team USA to gold in Athens this summer. Finch is on fire, and the list to switch places with Diamondbacks minor leaguer Casey Daigle, Finch's fiancˇe, is a long one.
As for ASU... well, I won't lie, this was just an excuse to write about Jennie Finch in one of my columns.
Verdict: Devils swing and miss
Best athletic director: Jim Livengood vs. Gene Smith
Smith has done a good job since taking over at ASU. He has done a great job, along with men's basketball coach Rob Evans, in turning ASU into a solid program - and hey, both schools always finish high in the Sears Cup standings. Jim Livengood, on the other hand, did hire John Mackovic, but all will be forgiven by hiring a man with the initials "M.S."
Verdict: Mike Stoops puts Livengood over the top.
It is obvious that this rivalry is about more than just a game. And while the Wildcats will play valiantly on the field on Friday, win or lose, the UA takes the cake.
Besides, we still have basketball, softball, baseball, swimming and diving, golf, ice hockey, lacrosse, water polo and track and field matchups in which to beat the Sun Devils.