"This year, I'm going to eat more waffles."
"No more goofing off with bachelor's degrees; I'm going to live by my wits, hidden in Yellowstone National Park!"
"Tomorrow, I'm going to finally start that novel about the waitress who wins the lottery, only to discover she's a long-lost but not forgotten Romanian princess being hunted by her obsessed but endearingly eccentric great uncle."
I'm sure we've all made similar or identical promises to ourselves on New Year's Eve. In fact, to enforce just how serious we really are, we call them "resolutions." But early February finds us as we always were, surrounded by unfinished projects, neglected promises and hearts full of shame. Yet, we continue to fool ourselves this way, conjuring big dreams and mustering meager follow-throughs.
They say the bigger they are, the harder they fall, so what are the big shots - both here and around the globe - resolving to do this year? The following is a look at possible New Year's resolutions that may, could, should or would never shape our world.
President George W. Bush: "This year, I will make a real effort to re-harmonize U.S.-foreign relations. With this in mind, I'll fight the powerful urge to violate this or other resolutions - unless they involve the words 'Kyoto,' 'treaty' or 'missile.'"
President Peter Likins: "I will personally initiate the next stage of Campaign Arizona, by imploring all students' siblings, friends and pets to donate to UA."
Arnold Schwarzenegger: "In 2004, I will significantly cut back on taxes by handling all state disasters on my own, including, but not limited to: earthquakes, riots and invasion by futuristic androids."
Mike Stoops: "I will win! Win, win, win! And God save me if I don't. ..."
Jim Livengood: "I'll cheer for Stoops, like a caesar for his gladiator. But if the mob should cry out for blood after a loss, it will be his, not mine, that I shall give them."
Saddam Hussein: "First, I will eat as much American food as possible. Once revitalized, I'll be poised to convince the world that I was just kidding all along."
Osama bin Laden: "Due to recent events, I will move to an even more secure, out-of-the-way corner of North Dakota. Hussein ... what a sucker."
Southern California: "It was a lesson hard-learned, but this year I will cover myself entirely in flameproof concrete, superhighways and red roof tiles."
Kobe Bryant: "I'll never steal that again ..."
Isaiah Fox: "I won't steal that for a while ..."
Michael Jackson: "I'll survive these childish and spiteful charges, just as R. Kelly did before me. Also, I'll free up more time to idle in grade school parking lots."
Strom Thurmond: "Just kidding, I'm dead."
Dinosaurs: "Good one, Strom. Us, too. At least we both left descendants, eh?"
The U.S.: "Though the national deficit will rocket, it'll be well worth every shiny penny to relocate to Mars, where no other countries can disagree with us ever again."
North Korea: "With the U.S. distracted by its interplanetary move, we'll trigger nuclear war unchecked, forcing the surviving global population to flee to Mars and foiling the U.S. plan of cheeky and unchallenged domination once again."
Israel and Palestine: "We shall absurdly and simultaneously claim the choicest portions of the Moon as our own - since the U.S., it turns out, already has dibs on Mars. Enraged, we shall mutually declare a war to last a hundred generations."
The environment: "Sigh ... either they go to Mars or I do. I can't live like this."
Administration building: "Not only will my own self-esteem be increased by the Alumni Plaza, but it'll help me forget about all the things that money should have gone toward instead."
UAPD: "Oh we've got a resolution all right. However, we're not prepared to release it at this time ..."
UA students: "Maybe we'll actually buy our books this semester. Or maybe not."
As you can see, there's a bit of wishful thinking in everyone. So whatever your New Year's resolution may be, good luck. On second thought, good luck to us all. If this year turns out to be anything like the last, we'll need it.
Sabrina Noble is a senior majoring in English and creative writing. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.