"Along Came Polly" is like a frozen burrito. It looks decent in the frozen food aisle at your local grocer but then after emptying the frost bitten brick onto a paper towel and burning your mouth on the meaty, cheesy, beany mess ...Well, if you would have looked deep within your heart, you'd have known it was going to suck.
That's it. "Along Came Polly." End of review.
But I'll indulge you with a plot summary and some other key points.
Plot: Ben Stiller (Reuben) is a risk analyst who (SURPRISE!) has a lot of quirks that get him into trouble. His fear of risk means he can't eat Ethnic food or dance. His wife (Debra Messing) leaves him on their honeymoon for a scuba instructor (Hank Azaria), and then Reuben has to analyze his life. He immediately starts dating Polly (Jennifer Aniston), who (SURPRISE!) takes a lot of risks.
Although she works as a waitress, Polly manages to travel the world, live in a New York apartment and purchase the entire "Friends" wardrobe.
Because Polly has a great ass, Reuben has financial security, and the two are complete opposites, they fall madly in love. But what happens when Reuben's wife totally wants to get back in the sack and shack up with her hubby? Take a guess.
Other key points: Phillip Seymour Hoffman does a decent Jack Black impression as a former child star who is now forced to work "Jesus Christ Superstar" at the community theater.
Writer and director John Hamburg ("Meet the Parents," "Zoolander") manages to get a few laughs, but the jokes don't fly fast, and wit or intelligence is completely lacking. Some scenes are directly taken from Farrelly Brothers films, while others are much too dumb for "Dumb and Dumber."
Hamburg tries to make up for the sparse material with joke repetition but forgets the gag has to work once for it to work again.
One of said scenes involves Hoffman not being skilled at basketball, and a blind ferret running into walls gets more play than "Hey Ya" at your local radio station.
While Hamburg can't make excuses, his lead performers don't do much to help him out. Stiller is on autopilot, and Aniston makes me forget about her standout performance in "The Good Girl."
Final note: Like frozen food, I enjoy most of Ben Stiller's work. Hot Pockets are rad and so is frozen pizza. But frozen burritos? There really isn't anything funny about them.