I heard the news the night before, but I didn't truly understand the gravity of the situation. The next morning, it hit me.
I could barely lift my head up off the pillow and roll out of bed. A single tear streamed down my face as I walked, my eyes lowered to the computer.
I struck the keys: cnn.com. But alas, the front page only confirmed my greatest fears ÷ J. Lo and Ben were done.
A romance for the ages, Bennifer (such a clever moniker) meant so much to me, my friends and the troops fighting overseas.
Little do the armed forces know that when they come home to the states, the E! channel will be forever changed.
Stationed in their bunkers in Iraq, those brave men and women have been fighting so that America can continue to have the freedom · to live vicariously through Ben and Jen.
And everything had been going oh so well.
When Ben bought Jenny her huge "rock," America had been given a "rock" to show off to all its girlfriends. When Ben had his night out at the strip club, America scolded him for forgetting the values that all of Hollywood must cherish. When Ben kissed J. Lo's butt in that terrible music video, America got a boner.
George W. Bush gave his State of the Union address on Jan. 20. And many people agreed with him: The Union was kicking total ass.
But on Jan. 22, when the breakup was announced by J. Lo's publicist, the Union took a major blow.
I wait for an official comment from the White House, but I know it will not come. Bush may have had a boost when he captured Saddam, but he's taken a hit since he couldn't keep Jen and Ben together. Bush and company will ignore this issue like they are starting to ignore the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq claim.
And I hope the Democrats pounce. What president can't keep a celebrity couple together?
Bill Clinton got Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt together, and Eisenhower made Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio a pair for America.
What has Bush done? That Britney Spears marriage a while back? He couldn't even hold that together for a week.
The Republicans will say that all is not lost. We still have Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, the newlyweds. But the party will be over soon. Divorce is inevitable.
Who will we look to when they're gone? Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro? Gwyneth Paltrow and that dude from Coldplay?
None of these couples will do. We need Hollywood royalty back.
And I, being the mastermind matchmaker that I am, have a grand scheme.
"Jersey Girl," a Kevin Smith film starring Jen and Ben, is coming to a theater near you.
It's no secret when Bennifer started falling apart: the "Gigli" premiere. After the panning, Ben turned to gambling and Matt Damon, while Jennifer turned to vocal training and P. Diddy.
We need Jennifer and Ben to put that trashy film behind them. Otherwise, what will become of "Page Six"?
The only way to save this country is with a $100 million flick. That's what makes Bennifer happy, which makes America happy, which makes George W. sort of happy. But $100 million also makes our economy happy, and that makes all Republicans happy. So Bush will be covered.
Go to the theater for our country. We need J. Lo and Ben for the sake of the water cooler, for the sake of the Nielsen ratings and for our boys in Iraq, who fight hard so we can continue to invade the privacy of any celebrity who we might fancy.