Reality television disgusts me. It is absolutely appalling how many people are willing to watch these losers' sadly pathetic and disturbing exploits. When I say "losers," I don't just mean the guys on "Average Joe." I mean "Joe Millionaire," the people willing to eat buffalo testicles for a few cents and those who are just generally looking to be embarrassed. Pitiful! And notice that every person appearing on these shows is some special form of moron. Unfortunately, the nation's eyes are glued to the television for every moment of it, including mine. ... But mind that this has been for research purposes only! I take not a moment of enjoyment out of sitting on the couch with an ice cream sundae and laughing at another's misery until hot fudge starts running out my nose.
Perhaps the most pathetic of this category of addicting television show is "American Idol," which spawned the movie "From Justin to Kelly" (deemed one of the worst pieces of cinematic trash ever). Now in its third season, all of America seems to know exactly who the show's first two winners were. The bimbettes from "The Simple Life" couldn't tell you who the secretary of state is, but I'll bet they know exactly who Ruben and Kelly are.
Watching these auditions becomes similar to viewing stand-up comedy - and I don't mean "Comedy Central Presents." I'm talking about the stuff that makes your younger siblings roll around on the floor and pee themselves. When these unfortunate fools begin to sing, one can't help but wonder quite loudly, "Are you actually serious?"
Contestants who are aired are obviously chosen for their complete lack of talent. Tone deaf and squeaky, they're actually brave enough to sing in front of a camera and a probable firing squad. And they're dumb enough to think that they can really sing. Once they're done or the panel of judges realizes that thousands of eardrums are about to burst, the contestants get to hear about just how awful they are.
As the potential singers continue to howl away, we wonder where all the music majors are. Of course, the show's producers want some of the horrendous singing they encounter - apparently hearing these people get bashed brings in the ratings - but why is it that even the winners could sound better? In most cases, I know I've heard better from a prepubescent choirboy.
A show like "American Idol" should be a magnet for people who know how to sing, not just people who think they do. There really are people majoring in music with an emphasis on voice. I know; I looked it up! So maybe the real musicians just have a bad case of stage fright.
The chance to win a contract on "American Idol" should be something every music major should try for. I don't just mean voice majors. Even piano and trumpet players should try because they wouldn't be half as tone deaf as the current wannabes. Especially since it's quite likely the only chance they'll ever have of seeing any real money, unless you count the daily hat-full collected on a random street corner donated by a group of vagrants who told them, "Your music is better than any alcohol. Except tequila." Newspaper classifieds don't usually call for talented singers or musicians. "Need rebellious guitar-playing singer with dyed hair and metrosexual look to wear tight jeans and screech at couple's 50th anniversary." "Wanted: saxophone player with pizzazz to entertain law office secretaries at the water cooler." The UA music program's Web site has a link for "Musicians for Hire," but I'd be really surprised to see the section "Musicians Wanted." The music industry is a do-it-yourself profession. Only the opera or symphony call for musicians on a regular basis, but can't hire all music majors or employ them for very long.
Music provides relaxation and a great pastime. It's even an extraordinary career for the .01 percent of musicians who actually make it. However, it's just not usually a productive major. Private instructors give great lessons for less than $1,000 per semester and music theory is offered as a tier course. If you really need to take a class to learn to open a spit valve, music isn't right for you anyway.
As proved by this country's "quality" radio programming, there's no need for a degree in music to succeed, just girls with big boobs or guys with bad attitudes. People buy the worst music imaginable. Of the bands and musicians that do succeed, quality artists are in the minority. Maybe there are just no more Mozarts. Maybe music is too undervalued or underappreciated. Maybe I'm too culturally dysfunctional to tell.
Sara Warzecka is still incredibly bitter for having failed band in the fourth grade. If you'd like to tell her trombonists actually have to practice, she can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.