Would you look down upon Paulette Kasal, lead singer of the world's only all-female Black Sabbath cover band, because she hasn't been so coked up that she snorted a line of ants off of a street curb?
Sure, Ozzy Osbourne did.
Or what if she hasn't taken so much acid that she can't remember years of her life at a time?
Notch another one up for the Ozz-ster.
What about the oral decapitation of live animals?
Ozzman didith. Twice.
Overall, it's tough for anyone to measure up to Ozzy Osbourne. This counts triple if you're a dude. And quadruple if you're Ronnie James Dio.
"Nobody really ever expected any man to replace Ozzy," Paulette Kasal said. "But with women, it's different."
Kasal (or Izzy Osbourne, depending on when you catch her) and her band, Mistress Of Reality, tour the country enlightening sweaty, beer-gutted patrons to the mayhem and majesty that is the Sabbath catalogue.
"It's an educational experience," she said.
Alongside singer Kasal (Osbourne), is Bonnie Iommi on guitar, Sheezer Butler on bass and drummer Jill Ward.
Kasal said what makes these vixens different from your older brother's weekend Sabbath tribute band is that these ladies take their jobs very seriously.
And they won't take crap from you or anybody else - especially your loser older brother.
"Once we start playing, then everybody shuts up," she said.
Oh, and don't plan on hurling that empty Pabst Blue Ribbon can towards the stage because they won't play "Crazy Train" - unless you want some aluminum in your forehead.
"This one guy threw a beer can at me," she said. "I picked it up, crushed it on my head, and threw it back and hit him in the face. He didn't expect it at all."
The band comes armed to a live show with an arsenal of Sabbath knowledge and know-how, Kasal said. An audience can expect such classics as "Ironman" and "Paranoid," as well as lesser-known diamonds such as "Into the Void" and "Tomorrow's Dream."
Also, don't expect Kasal to restrain from shadowing Ozzy's stage poses and quirks, such as dousing the audience with liquids and making sure you're thoroughly enjoying yourself.
"Ozzy never let anyone just stand there," she said.
That means you, Mr. Pocketpool.
"I always notice when I'm singing that a lot of the guys, usually by the fourth song or so - it's like they aren't sure if it's OK to think it's cool," she said.
As the show proceeds, however, Kasal said that those guys begin to loosen up, head-bang and submit to the music's dark and ravenous clutches.
"I can see the wheels in their mind spinning," she said. "It's really funny."
Mistress Of Reality plays Plush, 340 E. Sixth St., tomorrow night at 10. Tickets are $6 at the door.