Welcome, everyone, to Tradition-less U, the school that has fewer traditions than Janet Jackson has nipple covers.
After (sadly) watching the (terrible) game between Stanford (cheaters) and Arizona on Saturday, I realized that our school is so boring, it makes the pimple-poppers in Maples Pavilion look hard-core.
The Cardinal students are so close to the action, they could have touched up Salim's left-arm tattoo.
This started me thinking about how our school can't compare anymore.
Krzyzewskiville? Our school decided to leave it up to the Zoo.
Cameron Crazies? We let the alumni take the cushions while the students are allowed the cheap seats behind the goal.
Midnight Madness? The athletics department decided that our school actually was starting to do something annually, so it changed everybody's favorite night to just another porcelain-hugging experience.
Wildcat? Our school's mascot is so generic, I'd rather be the Rainbow Warriors!
Even with all the rants and raves, the problem doesn't lie with the administration or Coach Olson. It lies deep in the heart of the student body.
We need the few, the proud, and the creative to step up and do something about it.
Hell, we don't even paint the "A" in Tempe anymore!
What are some things to do to stop this curse, that reports say could soon afflict our precious "Bear Down?"
First, we don't need to leave the Zona Zoo shirts in the back of our closets next to the sweatpants and long underwear.
Did you see the Stanford game? Every student in the gym had their 6th man T-shirts on, and they looked so intimidating they'd have scared the jump shot out of Bird.
I go to McKale and see people with colors that aren't even red and blue!
You think that a Hollister shirt is going to intimidate an opposing team? I'd rather have the Golden Girls in the stands.
Another thing that must (and I say MUST) happen is that the school has to give us the first 15 rows surrounding the floor.
Someone says the alumni might be unhappy? They can go sit in their new Alumni Plaza drinking tea and watching the game on their plasma screen, because if those things aren't in the Plaza de Formaldehyde, someone needs to explain why I have to circle the entire campus just to get from Modern Languages to the union.
Lastly, our school needs a set tradition that can be passed on from graduating class to graduating class to help ensure the longevity of this athletics program.
I already have an idea that not only brings excitement, but also another sponsor.
Why not have a Lay-Z-Boy row on the floor of the basketball games and on the end zone at the football games of about 10 chairs assigned to seniors voted on by their student body?
Been a Zona Zoo-keeper since the first time you could tie your cap, like senior Brian Savitch? You should get floor passes to all basketball games and sit in the Lay-Z-Boy to watch your precious 'Cats.
Edited the Wildcat since you first realized what an adjective was?
Here, we'll give you the blue Lay-Z-Boy that kicks back.
Not only would this simple idea start something back at Arizona, but it would also bring a little national exposure back to the West Coast.
If you don't believe me, where do you think you're going to see Bill Walton when he televises us nationally on ESPN?
But even if Lay-Z-Boy Land (see, I already coined it) isn't feasible, lets start painting the Sun Devils' "A", learn the words to "Bear Down," and wear the same colors to the game.