Listen, I know I'm not the only person on the planet who thinks the best way to relax during vacation is to just stay home on your couch.
Sure I could go to exotic locales with lush scenery. Sure I could enjoy scantily clad women prancing up and down sandy beaches. Sure I could spend a week in an extreme state of inebriation, forgetting all my worries and partying until I pass out. Wait, I lost my train of thought.
Anyway, my spring break was full of excitement, adventure and romance, which goes to show that you don't need to go to Mexico to have a life, you simply have to lower your standards.
Excitement resulted from my visit to a talent agency, where I was told that I sound like I'm 16 years old, have "nice teeth," and, with my sideburns, could play a guy from the '60s on TV if I wanted. The agent then told me that the only thing I have to do to become a famous actor is learn how to act. She said learning how to act only costs $400, and she accepts Visa.
My adventure came in the form of a video game called "Halo 2." The point of the game is simple: Sit in a room alone for hours on end, stare at a television screen, mash buttons and concentrate on forgetting about friends, family and the outside world in general. The journey to the game's end is long and arduous, but the rewards are sweet indeed. You get to see the credits. I don't want to give anything away, but the game's head programmer will shock you!
And boy, oh boy, was my spring break chock-full of romance. First, I watched this girl named Jessica and this guy named Nick fight on their show "Newlyweds." Everything was okay in the end, though, because they had a "moment" and made up. This show got me in the mood for romance, so I ventured onto Thefacebook Web site and poked a whole bunch of girls. I received encouraging responses like, "Who the hell are you?" and, "Hitting on girls online is creepy." My heart was aflutter.
I also started some hobbies during the break to keep myself productive. One such hobby was writing journal entries. Here are some examples of my first few:
Saturday - Thought about waking up. Decided waking up was more of a Sunday thing. Continued sleeping.
Sunday - Seriously thought about waking up. Realized that this was a big decision and maybe I should sleep on it.
Monday - Woke up, read this journal and decided journals were for sissies. Ripped up remaining pages for something to do. Page ripping proved tiring. Slept to regain strength.
Another important hobby I picked up was alcohol consumption. This particular hobby takes a lot of practice and perseverance and does not, as most people assume, require a trip to Mexican beaches to be justified.
Those of us at home had some help from everyone's favorite Irishman, St. Patrick. I got to hone my skills for an entire day without ever leaving my friend's couch. Screw the beach; couches have cushions, TVs have remote controls and fridges have beer.
So there you have it. You needn't leave Tucson to have an exciting, action-packed spring break, and my at-home adventures are shining examples of that.
Next spring break you might consider buying a round-trip ticket to Couchville so that you, too, can enjoy a vacation worth telling people about.