One December morning two years ago, I hastily checked e-mails, distracted by the thought of an upcoming final exam that was about to begin. I was preparing to take an eight-hour written test - which would decide my entire grade for a class.
Then, to make matters worse, it happened. I opened up the wrong e-mail. It was an e-mail I didn't expect, didn't want, didn't know how to deal with. A long-time friend unexpectedly revealed that he was gay.
My mind was racing. How could he be gay?! We had done things that "normal" guys do. We had worked on my Jeep, watched hockey games and lifted weights. We had gone out to bars together - and talked to women. We even trained in the martial art of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. I sat staring at the screen, dumbfounded, unable to fully grasp the situation.
I closed the e-mail and resolved to put it out of my mind until after I finished the test.
But later that night, reality began to creep in.
Until that e-mail, I had never really known anyone who was gay. Frankly, like a lot of my friends in high school and college, I was kind of freaked out by gays. I didn't associate with any of "them" - I figured we had little in common. I had even laughed at denigrating jokes about homosexuals.
In other words, I was your average homophobic young American male.
But gradually, that all changed. As my friend realized and struggled with his identity, so did I. I wondered how my friend, or anyone, could just "choose" to be this way - ostracized, disparaged, different. It made no sense. No one would willingly choose to be vilified and shunned.
What made it tougher than merely accepting my buddy's new "preference" in the abstract was hearing about the day-to-day changes in his life. He began to associate almost exclusively with gay men, seeking community acceptance and reinforcement. Yet, he hid his sexuality from his family - rural Midwestern folk who still live on the family farm.
And then, just when I thought I was adjusting, he dropped the ultimate bomb. He started to have sex with men. Worse, he wanted to confront me with his new secret.
As a Christian, this precipitated an identity crisis of sorts. Before then, I hadn't wanted to think about the issues of gay marriage, gays in the military, or even to address social stereotypes I had about gays.
I pondered the same questions that many others have asked. Did genetics make my friend this way? How much of a role did environment play? What was the right way for me to respond?
Eventually, I opted to try to be supportive instead of judgmental, compassionate instead of condemnatory. I challenged myself to keep an open mind about issues facing homosexuals - examining my prejudices and biases.
It hasn't been easy. Christian doctrine is, for the most part, unequivocal in repudiating homosexuality. The only Christian "compromise" position is that someone can "be gay" - apparently in the abstract - as long as he or she doesn't "act" gay.
Christianity views homosexuality chiefly as a threat to families, a kind of social leprosy.
And leper may be a very apt analogy for how many Christians treat homosexuals today. But even if one views homosexuality as akin to something undesirable such as leprosy, then the task for Christians should be to extend compassion and support - just as Jesus did.
Furthermore, even assuming for argument's sake that Christianity is correct, and homosexuality is "evil" and "wrong," I'm still not going to choose to play "moral police." Gays have suffered enough. There are more urgent issues in this country than who sleeps with whom and for what reasons.
More broadly, those pressing for equal rights for gays are to be commended. However, because of the social, religious and political controversy that the issue of gay marriage always provokes, it seems that a practical compromise is civil unions that afford gay couples equal rights without disturbing the religious institution of marriage.
What's the big deal about extending tax breaks and legal decision-making authority to those in committed, homosexual relationships, anyway? Continuing to oppose these rights is just operating under the delusion that homosexuality can be "cured" or "stamped out" or "controlled." Aside from that misconception, the only justification for denying equal rights to gays is discrimination, plain and simple.
It's time that more heterosexuals eschew outdated stereotypes about homosexuality. Once we do, the next step is to support equal rights for gay couples who contribute to society and choose productive, committed relationships.
Dillon Fishman is a third-year law student. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu..