Finally, the Oscar nominations have been announced! That means the Academy Awards are just around the corner! Exclamation points help create the illusion that I'm more excited than I actually am!!
At last I'll be able to get my annual four-hour fix of people I've never met thanking people I don't know. It's an American tradition to congratulate movie stars as many times as possible each year for acting like someone else (or, in some cases, acting like themselves extremely well).
The Oscars will be hosted by Chris Rock this year, which proves once again that getting a hosting gig at the Academy Awards is as easy as getting admitted to the UA.
I was personally hoping Billy Crystal would be back for another go at it. After hosting the Oscars for 70-some-odd years (give or take several decades), the show will simply seem naked without him.
Other big Oscar changes are likely to stun viewers who remain awake throughout the broadcast. The Best Actress nominees seemed to have shed their theme of the last two years, "A beautiful person playing an ugly person is hard," in favor of their original theme, "It's what's on the outside that counts." Now Charlize Theron and Halle Berry can try being beautiful again. Teenage boys rejoice.
Other changes include the fact that Jack Nicholson isn't up for an Oscar this year. Movie fans are extremely irritated over this omission and have demanded an emergency nomination.
Another glaring snub that has movie buffs up in arms is the omission of Vin Diesel for "The Chronicles of Riddick." One fan suggested that if the Academy is too stupid to realize the acting talent required to deliver the line, "It's been a long time since I've smelled beautiful," with a straight face; they may need to re-evaluate their standards.
The same fan also suggested a new category for Best Glistening Pecs and proceeded to giggle herself to tears.
However, there is one nomination that has excited movie fanatics across the board: Natalie Portman for her portrayal of a stripper in the movie "Closer." As one Christian fundamentalist raved, "Finally strippers get their chance in the spotlight!"
It seems to me, though, that it's a natural progression from actress to stripper. It's usually a job requirement for both to be attractive and for both to have some degree of acting talent (although I couldn't swear on this, since I've never been to a strip club).
Other notable nominees include Thomas Haden Church for "Sideways," Imelda Staunton for "Vera Drake," Catalina Sandino Moreno for "Maria Full of Grace," and a slew of other people whose names I don't recognize, but probably don't deserve a nomination if Paul Giamatti got snubbed.
The big winners at this year's Oscars are in all probability going to be "The Aviator," "Million Dollar Baby" and "Sideways," if The Golden Globes are any indication. But according to them, "Ray" is a musical. So who really knows?
A big loser this year is Michael Moore, who wanted his movie "Fahrenheit 9/11" considered for Best Picture rather than Best Documentary Feature and thus got neither nomination.
I know you loved your little Bush-bashing baby, Mike, but Best Picture? Seriously? I heard "Catwoman" wanted to be considered for Best Picture rather than Most Obscene Steaming Pile of Shit and ended up in the same position. Learn from the mistakes of others, Michael.
So be sure to watch the Academy Awards Feb. 27. If you have trouble staying awake during the acceptance speeches, I propose playing a drinking game with your friends to keep you involved.
One that always seems to work is drinking whenever the winner thanks someone you couldn't give a shit about. Make sure you have the appropriate emergency numbers on speed-dial for this one.