Well, the Super Bowl is over! No one cares!
That's right, Super Bowl, no one cares that you're over. And people will continue to not care until next year when they will suddenly get overly-excited again for reasons they forget or can't explain.
This year's Super Bowl was different than any other Super Bowl before it. This year's Bowl featured a down-to-the-final-seconds, edge-of-your-seat game, half-time show bristling with relevant celebrities, and interesting visuals and commercials that were poignant and/or hysterical.
Oh, you actually watched it? I suppose I should stop lying, then, which makes this entire column significantly less fun.
So, the game itself was relatively clear-cut, which means that, once again, the football portion of the Super Bowl was irrelevant and about as fun to pay attention to as Clay Aiken's career.
Then there was the half-time show. Super Bowl II's half-time show, which featured an Amish man paneling a fence (according to my research department), was more titillating than this year's show.
I made a bet with a friend that something exciting was bound to happen at some point during the spectacle, and now I owe that asshole $20.
Throughout the half-time show I kept expecting something interesting to happen like Paul McCartney's pants malfunctioning, but it wasn't to be. To my dismay, it was just wholesome, non-volatile singing, for God's sake!
Now, I have nothing against The Beatles or Paul McCartney, but that FCC fiasco last year must have changed the half-time show organizer's motto to, "We're less offensive than your grandmother petting kittens while watching the Teletubbies."
Last year's half-time show revolved around Janet Jackson's right nipple, which was apparently a national tragedy and raised our threat level to "burnt sienna." Thus, even that half-time show was pointy, but pointless.
And this year's commercials were horrible. I could have made better commercials using a Web camera, Carrot Top and a gun.
Probably the most humorous commercial, by Budweiser, had the pilot of a skydiving plane run and jump out the hatch without a parachute after a six-pack of beer was thrown out.
Men sure do love their beer.
Not only did the commercials suck but, because of one in particular, the NFL had to jump into action to avoid yet another Super Bowl-related national emergency. The NFL's crack team of professional shut-ins found something risqué in one of the ads.
Reports show that small children everywhere were influenced, permanently scarred, and rendered mentally deranged almost instantaneously as a result of a commercial this year by a spot from GoDaddy.com. In reaction to this despicable display, a second commercial by the same company was banned and went unseen.
Without going into too many details, the commercial involved old men, a snapping tank-top strap, and a congressional hearing.
That's right; those bastards at GoDaddy.com are exposing our impressionable youth to both government and old men! They must be stopped!
I think it says something about America's priorities when a program featuring men smashing into each other and catching things can't be enjoyed because its commercials weren't up to snuff.
Since when is the entertainment quality of a show determined relative to its breaks? That's like going to see a play and then telling your friends afterwards, "yeah, the play would have been pretty good, but the intermission kind of sucked."
If you didn't thoroughly enjoy the Super Bowl this year, don't fret. Things like this are cyclical and eventually bare breasts won't deform our children's brains and we'll be able to enjoy button-pushing, edge-blurring Super Bowls once again.
In the meantime, I suppose we could watch the football portion of the Super Bowl...