Reprinted, with permission, from the March 9 edition of the State Press.
If you are reading this article, but for some reason you're a fan of UofA, here's two pieces of advice: don't read this column and go back to Tucson.
As the ASU men's basketball team travels down {there} to face the Wildcats, I'm reminded of how intense the rivalry between the two schools is. I've grown up in the Valley and can pass along some animosity that you fellow hate mongers can pass along to any Wilbur in your life (giving full credit to me of course).
First, let's talk about students' legal problems. Two UofA students were recently arrested by UofA campus police, according to {U Magazine}. One for repeatedly punching a phone booth in what was described as domestic violence. The second, for trying to solicit oral sex from a horse by coaxing it with food, then lowering it to his crotch and exposing himself. They must be bored in Tucson.
Forget the weirdos though, let's talk sports. Wildcat fans like to brag about how often they go to the NCAA tournament. Two out of the last three years they've also gone home early, very early. Losing to the number 70-something seed is respectable Ä not. Sometimes they make it to the Final Four, but it's not fair to say they've shown up. Last year they got there before they (ack!) choked. Does anyone know the Heimlich? They've never advanced to the championship game Ä never.
What about football? I
know, they won the game last year Ä by one point. How many Wildcats were carried off the field? I'd never actually seen an ambulance on the field before until that game. How's the old neck Ontiwaun? Did I spell his name right? Do I care?
It's true that they did make it to a bowl game last year. I think it was Janice [sic] Joplin that said "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose ..."
Well OK, maybe there is one other bowl game they could loose [sic] Ä The Rose Bowl. How many times have they gone? Oh yeah, never! Do they even know how to spell Pasadena? I don't think so. The team picked by {Sports Illustrated} to be No. 1 in the nation choked and didn't even place first in the Pac-10. Is there anyone that knows the Heimlich? Oh yeah, I already used that line. Are we sensing a trend here?
I digress. We're supposed to be talking trash about basketball. We've got "Super" Mario Bennett, Isaac "Ice" Burton and Quincy "Q.B." Brewer. They've got Damon Stoudamire, who has his name tattooed on his arm just in case he forgets it. Watch the game if you think I'm kidding. Obviously his mother didn't realize it's spelled D-A-M-I-A-N. He's the only player on their team that I mention because the rest of them suck. My unbiased prediction for Saturday? Devils 115, Wildcats 13.