Wanted: Omnipre sent sex cougar seeks same

By Anthony Ashley
Arizona Daily Wildcat
March 18, 1996

Chris Richards
Arizona Daily Wildcat

Anthony Ashley looks for love in all the wrong places.


Oh, spring is upon us all. The grass and trees becomes green, flowers blossom and everything comes to life - even animals start mating. Speaking of mating, humans start flirting with each other and love blossoms. People start dating, filling every restaurant on a Saturday night with possible lovers and world of ex-lovers, leaving us single people to try all means of dating, even the personal sections of any periodical.

Ah, the personal ads, where everyone is young, beautiful and single. Yeah, if that was the truth, wouldn't they already have a line of magically-delicious tricks outside their doors? I think so. The personal ads serve as an all-you-can-date buffet of available, possibly horny, men and women. This is one of the first sections of the Tucson Weekly I look at every week looking for any eligible contestants for the "Anthony Ashley Looking for Mr. Right" contest. After that, I make my way to the Uncensored section to see if my latest ad for a sugar daddy is running.

If you look for love in the personals look for certain things, read between the lines. The advice from "The Unofficial Gay MANual" and this sample ad should help all looking for the man or woman of our dreams:

	Professional GM, versatile teddy
	bear, friends tell me I'm cute, 30ish, 
	straight-acting.  Enjoy working out, 
	children, singing, hiking, mountains,
	European travel, ISO discreet, young 
	GM, masculine; a novice, but adventure-
	some.  No fats, femmes or druggies.

Looks like some nice man looking for Mr. Right, but A-HA! It says a lot more about this person than we're given. Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Professional: He has a job

Versatile: he's a bottom (if you don't know what that is, ask your mother)

Teddy bear: Overweight with more hair than Sasquatch!

Friends tell me I'm cute: you should see his friends!

30ish: late forties

Straight-acting: aren't we all?

Enjoy working out: once in a great while goes to an aerobics class, spends most of the time in the showers, either waiting to drop the soap or lurking.

Enjoy ... children, singing, mountains, European travel: thinks he IS Maria Von Trapp!

Discreet: Won't call him at work

Young GM: Chicken; just old enough to escape jail bait

Masculine: is a top

Adventuresome: willing to try acrobatic sex (but who isn't?)

No fats, femmes, or druggies: Last dated Carnie Wilson on quaaludes.

I will admit, yours truly once became so adventurous and daring - all right, downright desperate - I placed an ad in the Tucson Weekly. My ad said something like:

	Cheap Latino Hussy wants total 
	hottie, 20-30, to satisfy my carnal 
	and shopping pleasures.  Must be 
	sexxxy and male!  No freaks, trolls
	or weirdos.  If interested, look for 
	my number on any tea room stall.

I only got three calls. One from a guy who sounded queenier than me! One from a guy who couldn't even get my name right, and one who was 38 (read the ad closely, dearie) and worked for the border patrol. If the last one was younger, people would have spread rumors about him making a run for the border! I wouldn't have minded, just as long as my name was mentioned abundantly.

My fantasy job, aside from becoming head of the fashion police (this campus really needs one!), would be to write personal ads, so happiness and more scandal would be generated. Anyway, I would present you all as a fierce and superb mate. I would describe you all, with a flip of the wrist, as hot, romantic and passionate hard-bodied hotties! I would even be interested! (I am sad to inform you that I would not describe you as the human sucking machine. I would become extremely jealous, yet squeamish).

Just don't let your friends write the ads for you. If you drink plenty of milk, your friends may make you look like a horse: "Tall, attractive GM with good teeth and bone structure." You may get appalling calls from dentists and veterinarians. Or they may describe you as: "Attractive, witty, bossy GM columnist who likes to get it his way and no one else's." You would get calls from gimps, or boys who like to be tied up to their notched bedposts or dominated in less subtle ways.

Whatever you do, DO NOT let a member of your family write your personal ad! They'll make you sound like an unattractive, sexless dweeb and bring out your weaknesses. Some lonely hottie may survey your ad, which reads, "Smart, nice-looking boy who learned to read at three, messy at meals, good heart, likes kittens and milkshakes. Seeks a nice country girl (oops, we mean boy, we know it's just a phase) to share ice cream, movies, but not a bed!" Lonely hottie would laugh and say, "What a dork!" Probably old men living underneath bridges would come after you, reminding them of past flings.

Since my little experience with the personals didn't work, I'll try giving you kids a little advice. The Dating Game of the Nineties is simply not choosing Bachelor No. 1, 2 or 3. Some of us are lucky to choose I'm-Married-But-Can't-Let-Go-Of-My-Bachelor-hood No. 1! Anyway, the world is full of hotties, but they're like mothers who choose Jif Peanut Butter - choosy! Yes, it does seem that everyone is involved in a relationship, and those that aren't are either celibate or just a big ol' hoochie! But nature helps us by driving us to seek and destroy other competitors out for your prize! So swallow your pride, stuff a couple of condoms in your pocket or purse (just remember one!), and do something about that hair (I suggest a weave by my girl Sophie)!! For love is definitely in the air!