Anyone who takes a few minutes out of their day to read "Police Beat" can't miss the three to five on-campus bike thefts reported weekly. From cruisers to custom road bikes, it seems no two-wheeler is safe from lock-cracking and cable-cutting thieves prey ing on easy targets.

Last Sunday, some low-life scum relieved me of the quick-release skewers holding the wheels on my bicycle. Sadly, my first reaction wasn't anger - it was deja-vu. Over my many years of owning and riding bicycles, I've had wheels stolen, seats and seat pos ts grabbed, and tires taken right off the rims.

The truly sad thing is that nearly every theft reported in "Police Beat" might have been prevented with just a few moments of extra effort and thought. In the interest of discouraging theft on this campus (and sticking it to the jerk riding around with my skewers), here is a short clinic on ways to easily and cheaply theft-proof your bike. Before you dismiss such stuff as mere common sense, look to your right at "Police Beat" - the only thing "common" on this campus is bike theft.

First, a few general guidelines:

Location is everything. Leave your bike in a well-lit, on-campus area with lots of pedestrian traffic. Lock it to an official bike rack (the tubular kind are especially secure) in an area with many other bikes. Do not lock it to a tree, a handrail, itself (shockingly common) or another bike, period. Do not park it near the edge of campus.

Don't cheat yourself. If you spent $500 or even $50 on the bike, spend at least $30 on the lock. This is one case where quality and cost go hand in hand. U-locks are preferable to cable locks, and anything is better than a combination or "Master"-type loc k; these can often be opened by slamming them on the ground, no tools required.

Lock your bike up every single time. The time you leave your bike vulnerable is the time someone may grab it - and this is anytime, day or night. My skewers were stolen at 2 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon, next to the theater while a play was in progress. Som e people have no shame.

Here is a list of suggestions compiled from my experiences, and the horror stories told to me by a friend trying to survive at NYU.

• Make your bike tougher to steal than the one next to it. This sounds a little cynical, but the truth is, if you have two locks and the next guy has one, a thief will pass you by.

• Two locks are better than one, and multiple types of locks are best. I use both a cable lock and a U-lock, the logic being that the would-be thief can carry cable cutters or a car jack, but not both without attracting attention. Put the cable lock through the rails on the bottom of your seat and through the rear wheel, and the U-lock through the frame, wheel and rack.

• As I now know, quick-releases only make the thief quicker. Unless you adjust your seat and remove your wheels several times daily, replace all of your quick-release components with Allen bolts. After that last incident, all the gear on my bike requires tools to take off, reducing the odds of a casual theft. Carrying an Allen wrench is a small burden compared to the cost of replacing a wheel or seat.

• Leaving your bike overnight, anywhere, is a bad idea. Leaving it in the same location for weeks at a time is even worse. A bike that sits on the rack all the time is like a house with a pile of newspapers on the doorstep - a target. Even if you live in a closet-sized dorm room on the top floor of Coronado Residence Hall, take that bike inside or lose it.

• Get the idea that "bike thieves only grab expensive, rare bikes" completely out of your head. A quick glance over "Police Beat" proves that thieves have no taste: $75 Huffys are grabbed as often as exotic superbikes.

If they want your bike, they will get it, but the steps above will make them want it less. Here's hoping that the next time you see your bike won't be in "Police Beat."

Oh, and to the jerk who stole my skewers: you can drop them in my mailbox at the newspaper, no questions asked.

Michael Eilers is a creative writing graduate student and Wildcat arts reporter.