Their ads say "You've got some Royal Caribbean coming." Mine was waiting for me in Barcelona.

My family and I were set to embark on a 12-day voyage that would take us to some of the best cities western Europe had to offer. Oh, yeah - we went to Paris, too. (More on that later.)

Believe me, when you cruise, you get what you pay for. Or more specifically, what your parents pay for. I expected to do some serious partying in Europe, but what I found was a surprisingly relaxing vacation. You see, European cruises are specifically tailored to an older crowd. For goodness sakes, they played Bingo twice a day. So, I just sat back, had a few drinks and played some golf - yes, the ship was fitted with an 18-hole miniature golf course.

Our first port of call was Gibraltar. As dawn rises over the Mediterranean Sea, you get a great view of the south of Spain and the northern coast of Morocco. But don't go for the view, go for the monkeys. About 30 or so monkeys roam freely on the rock. Hang on to your valuables, though, the monkeys like to grab.

The next day, we were in Lisbon, the capital of Portugal. The city was kind of nice, save for the nice man who tried to sell my brother a watch and a pair of sunglasses. Sunglasses? Not my idea of what I would be sold on the black market. Conveniently, he took American cash.

The next day was a day at sea, and days at sea are basically an excuse to eat until you explode. Breakfast is served at 7 a.m. with lunch served at noon. In one place you can get pizza all day. At 4 p.m., it's off to another cafe for tea and snacks. Dinner is served at either 6 p.m. or 8:45 p.m. I recommend eating at 6 because that gives your stomach just enough time to recover for the Midnight Buffet. Oh, and room service is available 24 hours a day.

Paris. The City of Lights. Try the City of Traffic Lights. I didn't see that many cars on a trip to Detroit. Do you get the picture? The place is crowded. Also, my dad is not quiet in his distaste for the French people. Or their food. Or their attitudes. The lady who tried to ignore him at a restaurant in the Louvre didn't help much either. I reminded him of his blood pressure, and we moved on. We didn't get to go up the Eiffel Tower because workers were on strike over how far away they had to park. I checked and not one had ever worked for the University of Arizona.

The main attraction in our next stop - Hamburg, Germany - was its red-light district - St. Pauli. I was propositioned walking into a Burger King. I was feeling pretty proud of myself until I walked down the street and realized I had been propositioned by the ugliest hooker in Hamburg. In St. Pauli, there is a street blocked off to everybody but men over 18. Being 19, I felt it my duty to investigate. Try to picture 50 windows on each side of the street with a half-naked woman in each one.

The beautiful city of Oslo, Norway, was next. Perhaps most striking about the city was the sail up the fjords to get to it. Even in the thaw of summer, you can still appreciate the beauty of the landscape.

After a stop in Copenhagen and a view of Hans Christian Anderson's Little Mermaid, we were off for a three-day, post-cruise stay in London. Our England stay was complete with a look at the changing of the guard, a subway bomb threat and a trip to Wimbledon. If you go to England, bring a spice rack, as the food is quite bland. I ordered something advertised as "three-alarm chili" and still had to dump half a bottle of Tabasco on it. Really, the best way to enjoy London is to find a pub, have a beer and a plate of fish and chips and enjoy the atmosphere.

Obviously, I cannot do justice to the great cities of Europe in such a small space. Just go. You'll be glad you did.

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