For those of you who have been under a rock, adult bookstores are no longer for dirty old men! Rejoice! According to most of the clerks in Tucson's bookstores, more and more women, couples and younger folk are heading in droves to these meccas of sexual s atisfaction.

If you think the insides of these stores are dark and scary, and the FBI is watching you, think again! The atmospheres in these stores do not give the impression of a "porn lover's delight," but more like a store you'd stroll on into at the Tucson Mall. These stores are well-lit, air-conditioned and play great music!

Most of Tucson's adult bookstores attempt to cater to everyone, with magazines, videos (two big sellers), vibrators, dildos, plugs, clamps, arcades, safe sex materials and other titillating novelties.

So, cut this article out and put it on your fridge as a reference to three of Tucson's best adult bookstores (drum roll, please!).

• Adult Expectations, 2505 N. Stone Ave. Whenever you walk into this store, you are sure to find a whirlwind of shoppers. Of all the times I've been here, (which is so rare), it has yet to be empty. Adult Expectations is THE Price Club of all adult books tores! When you walk into this "clean and unintimidating" store, to the right are vibrators, condoms and unsealed magazines. (It's the only store in Tucson where you can look before you purchase. AE store clerk Dean said he doesn't "understand why the oth er stores don't do this"). To your left is a wide assortment of books, oils, lotions, rubber toys and a whole other room of videos! If you need something pertaining to sex, Adult Expectations is definitely the "spot." Grade: XXX

• Empress Adult Video and Bookstore, 3832 E. Speedway Blvd. Empress has almost everything you need. They have a great selection of videos, with classics such as "Horny, Hung and Up the Bung." Empress brags about having the most videos in Tucson, according to Jody, an Empress clerk. Every type of video you can imagine from bondage to bi, from she-males to all-male, are available. Empress includes arcade booths and female dancers, like the fierce, ruling Vandela (she even has her own Web page). Vandela says she does this because she "likes to do it," since she's an exhibitionist, and it's a "hobby." Vandela said that Empress has "the nicest-looking girls" in Tucson. Empress caters to all, even the handicapped, with a handicap-accessible back entrance and arcade. Grade: XXX

• Continental Adult Shop, 2655 N. Campbell Ave. The best thing about Continental, that other shops in Tucson do not have, are pamphlets, in English and Spanish, explaining safe sex and AIDS. This store has the most arcade channels in Tucson, over 100! Since its remodeling last year, the store has experienced a lot less cruisers and riffraff. The store doesn't have many magazines, but makes up for this with its wide selection of toys, leather accessories and huge assortment of videos, which includes everything from obese people to midgets to senior citizens. I must admit, yours truly has a video membership to Continental. Grade: XXX

Tucson adult bookstores that are worthy of Honorable Mention are:

La Boutique, 3656 E. Speedway Blvd. It receives this recognition for the sign in its video section, "Dedicated to the admiration of the female mammary." Also, owner Jim Frederick has astounding plans for the future remodeling, including gutting all three buildings of the store to improve the quality of the arcades, stage and video selection. Grade: XX

Caesar's Adult Book Store, 2540 N. Oracle Rd. Great walls of great selections of great porn videos. Grade: XX

And finally, the Don't Go There award:

Pleasure World Adult Bookstore, 174 E. Toole Ave. I ran into a blockade with a rude staff member who was just as quiet to my questions as a nun taking the vow of silence. Plus, the dark atmosphere made the place seem more like a hangout for dirty old men. Grade: X