It's hot here. You know that, but what you may not know is that Arizona is a popular test market for new beverages. Every summer, companies pour in to hawk new wares and quench our great state's collective thirst.

This summer's second major beverage launch - the first being Coca-Cola's vile Josta - is another tragically misguided novelty attempt to capture the "youth market." Clearly Canadian has seen their profits slip from $141 million in 1992 to just $66 million in 1994, and that sort of loss has called for desperate measures, innovation at any cost.

The result? A bold new soft drink called Orbitz, a non-carbonated fruit-flavored beverage that has colorful floating spheres and a futuristic packaging design. It's a little like drinking a lava lamp, and anyone who has ever cracked one of those open to t ake a sip knows how truly foul that can be.

The gelatinous blobs (hereafter referred to as "boogers") come from a secret, patented recipe developed by Bush Broake Allen of Montvale, N.J. Because they have the same density as the liquid that surrounds them, the boogers float freely in the bottle. An d you'd be pleased to know that, according to Jonathan Cronin, marketing director for Clearly Canadian, the technology does not seem to shorten the product's shelf life.

Microbeads are a big trend these days, and can be found in lipstick, facial products, etc. ... but do you want them in your beverage? Honestly, I think this is the grossest stuff on Earth. Space-age crap, probably developed for NASA, and pawned off on th e unsuspecting consumers of Arizona. A soft drink has never made me feel ill before. Wandering down to Downtown Saturday Night, I saw I wasn't alone. The streets were littered with half-drunk bottles of Orbitz, obviously abandoned by others who share my d istaste for the product.

So, I figured I was just the wrong market for this stuff. A bunch of kids were frolicking in the pool outside my pueblo, so I went out there to solicit their opinion. They just flat out weren't interested - I think kids are smarter than we give them credi t for.

Disheartened, I grabbed one of my roommates, poured some Orbitz into a bowl, and waited to see if she would drink it. But my cat wouldn't have anything to do with it. I trust my cat's judgment on food ... she took a whiff and backed away. Apparently frigh tened of the gelatin spheres, she ran in my bathroom and refused to come out until the Orbitz had been disposed of.

Are the food and drug companies really trying to kill us? First Olestra and now this - I really could not finish an entire bottle. Disabled by cramps, I worked up the strength to grab the phone and dial the Clearly Canadian customer help line. 'Course, it was closed, so I hit a bunch of numbers when it asked for an extension and got John's voice mail box.

"You know, John, I don't know you ... I just hit a random extension from the helpful Clearly Canadian customer help line. I have to say that Orbitz is just about the grossest stuff I've ever tried. A pox on all of you for putting that stuff on the market ."

Now that was refreshing.