Although I, and many of my brethren, will continue to scribble "1995" on many papers to come, we are in a new year now. To seek answers about the destiny of the world in 1996, I talked to the UA-sponsored guru Jeff McGrew. He had much to tell me, and ma de many predictions based on his psychic power to glimpse the future. What you read herein may shock and amaze you, more sensitive readers may even experience periods of dizziness and projectile vomiting...
Hostess products will be found to cure cancer. As stock prices soar, the company's largest shareholder, David Byrne, will surpass Bill Gates as the richest man in the known universe.
O.J. Simpson will experience the specter of the undead Telly Savalis while pouring Aunt Jemimat brand maple syrup on his pancakes one evening. This will convince him to give up all his worldly possessions, become a Moony, and take up residence in seclusi on with J.D. Salinger
Contraceptive beer will receive FDA sanction. Although it's creators, Budweiser, lament that the name "Squirt" was already in use, they decide on "Studweiser," and still insist that the slogan "Tastes great, less filling" applies to the new product.
Liberace's effeminate visage will appear to an elderly couple as a grease mark under their Winnebago in Peoria, Illinois. This is taken as a Bad Omen.
Everything in the tabloids will prove to true, including the mysterious healing powers of garlic. The Bat Boy will successfully run for president on the Symbionese Liberation Army ticket, choosing as his running mate the Satan Cloud released when oil prospectors unwittingly drilled too deep in the Alaskan wilderness and reached Hell.
Dave Matthews will wake up one day and find out that he feels that Vishnu is God. This condition will become known as "Spontaneous Hinduization."
Madonna will run off to Brazil with a one legged circus midget and open the country's first chain of yogurt emporiums. The public will react with great puzzlement at the redundancy - where else would a one legged midget find work but in a circus?
Michael Jackson will announce that he is, in fact, Diana Ross, and has been for many years. Diana Ross will announce that she is Imelda Marcos and still wants access to her shoe collection.
Tori Spelling and William Shatner will meet at a monster truck rally and marry soon thereafter. They will start a small to medium-sized militia and sell Cybercheese by infomercial.
The continuing Human Genome Project will discover that a part of DNA that, when viewed from the right angle, looks exactly like Walter Matthau. The gene will be thought to control masculinity and baseball coaching aptitude.
Hong Kong pop music will finally reach America by way of a collaboration between Paul Simon and the country's finest musicians.
Brian Eno will set up psychic residence with toaster ovens and will no longer requires instruments. The toaster ovens of the world will spring forth ambient glory.
Bill Clinton will channel the spirit of John Candy and leave American politics to lead the movement for Quebec's independence.
The government will admit that is has secret weather-controlling devices setup in the Midwest for many years, but remain baffled as to how to get these fiendish mechanisms of the New World Order to work during certain months of the year.
Gary Coleman will be found passed out in the Denver Stapleton airport. Inspired by "The Facts of Life," he decides to seek treatment to undo the damage done by his child-star past.
At the Kurt Cobain house, a previously unknown master tape of a song called "Bloo Shoo Goo" will be discovered, finished, and released by the remaining members of the Band Formerly Known As Nirvana.
A formula action movie starring Hugh Grant battling his evil nemesis, the meglomaniacal anthropologist Alex Trebeck will flop in U.S. theaters, but inexplicably make back all its money in France. Okay, maybe The Guru didn't say that at all... maybe that' s my little fantasy.
The spirit of Ethel Mermen will appear to New Gingrich in a dream, thus causing him and Jesse Helms to renounce their heterosexuality and move to Guam.
Nine volt batteries will become the de facto standard for international commerce and the industry willbe nationalized by the government in the interest of national security.
