Sigh.

Yet another Valentine's Day has arrived. Oh joy. Oh bliss. Oh rapture. I'm not sure, but can you tell I'm a really big fan of this day? I guess I'll head down to Albertson's (it is my store, as they say) and stock up on barf bags and Pepto.

What will I be doing on Valentine's day, you ask? Let's see. It falls on a Wednesday. Since I won't have anyone to share it with, I'll most likely be doing my weekly Wednesday chore, hanging with the Glamour Posse (Buster, Peaches and Nenutchka) at the Wildcat Wash Well for free dryer day! We'll be washing our unmentionables and saying unmentionables about the cute, hopefully single guys walking in, who may be spending their Valentine's Day alone.

In my own opinion, which always counts ... always, Valentine's Day is nothing but an excuse for those breeders and population controllers (you know who you are) to exude all the Public Displays of Affection that they can. This is so we single people can become sicker than we usually get every other day from watching them tongue wrestle to the exclusive delights of themselves. I think I speak for many when I say the worst is this conversation after the tongue battle: "Oh, I love you." "No, I love you more." You all know what I'm talking about.

Pepto shot number one.

Yes, I would probably be singing a different tune - "I Do, I Do, I Do" by Abba most likely - if I had a significant other, but I don't, so I can't.

What gets me most about this day is, why have one single day for people to express their love for their mate? Why can't they say the three simple words on August 14 also? (No, the three simple words are not "I'm naughty, mistress.") My friend, the Sorority Girl, told me that all she really wants for Valentine's Day is for her boyfriend, the Frat Boy, to tell her that he loves her. Aww, isn't that sweet! Somebody, anybody! Hand me that barf bag STAT!

So how are we, the single people of the world, in this case Tucson, to spend our Valentine's Day? Well here's a few ideas for you venturers not to be outdone by in-season lovebirds:

1) Read fine literature or rent some movies ... at an adult bookstore. This is always fun. You can find a date, I recommend a magazine or movie and not some trollish sex-machine, for cheap and not have to worry about a commitment. You just toss the magazine or be kind and rewind when you're finished.

Here's a couple of the best places to go.

If it's magazines you need, Adult Expectations is your mecca. They have a HUGE supply of magazines for any customer's taste. They also just remodeled, expanding their small selection of videos.

If it's videos or a location close to campus, Continental Books is your spot. They, too, just remodeled and have a superabundancy of videos. Not too many magazines, but a wide selection of hot, nasty videos. Just for you gay men, they have many moves featuring the Icon of Love, no, not Barry White ... Jeff Stryker.

Someone toss me into a cold shower, please.

One store not to go to is Empress Bookstore. Yes, they are having a huge, fab sale, but my friend Hell-ga, her sister and Iwent by, looking for adventure the other night, and we saw a point of no return. I think if you went into this place, you would find Jimmy Hoffa and the Holy Grail.

2) The Bashful Bandit. Yes, the ultra-leathery, ultra-hairy, ultra-manly biker bar. Scared? Well, don't be a sissy, that's my job! You can go to this place, suck down some alcohol, feel the testosterone and talk trash about women. I recommend for you kids not to talk bad about men in there or you may find yourself naked, gagged, and tied to a pole off in somewhere desolate or worse. Unless you happen to like that.

This last one is a special suggestion for three fab ladies, Hell-ga, Natasha and Olive:

3) A truck stop. You may find a waitress who is selling fudge.

The only good thing about Valentine's Day is all the assortments of candy you can buy. All the candy companies have tasty treats for lovers and singles. That in turn though, again, works against the singles. How? We single people eat all the candy while watching movies we wish would happen to us, and gain extra poundage! Now you may say, "What happens to us lovers when we eat candy?" Well, if you're such a good lover, you can burn off those candy calories in some nifty undercover work. Now that I think of it, did I really need to tell you that?

One last note, for you single people, don't worry about a lonely Valentine's Day. There are more to come. But let me offer some words of praise that come from my mother/father drag superstar RuPaul: "If you can't love yourself, then who's gonna love you?"

Happy Valentine's Day. (It took a lot of effort for me to say that.)