Choose your disaster

Illustration by Jeff Barfoot Arizona Daily Wildcat

I'm telling you this because if you don't already know, the apocalypse is here. Don't believe me? Well, then I guess you haven't been paying attention to all the twisters, alien invasions, volcano blasts and asteroids. Actually this is all Hollywood's ver sion of the apocalypse. It seems that in Tinsel Town, disasters are en vogue.

Most of us have survived the mediocrity of "Twister," "Independence Day," and the cheesy-but-humorous "Dante's Peak." Unfortunately, the very average movie watcher loves these pathetically co-dependent-on-special-effects films. I work at Blockbuster, and some of these people think "The English Patient" was a guest on "Chicago Hope" or "ER."

In fact, volcanoes seem to be the disaster flavor of the month. First, there was the anti-climactic "Dante's Peak," where rubber tires could withstand the 2,000-degree heat of molten lava while the hero in the car rescues the family pet. This past Sunday, ABC asked its viewers to believe former MTV Sports host and former "Melrose Place" resident Dan Cortese was a geologist in "Volcano, Fire on the Mountain."

In the coming months, the coast will be toast when "Volcano" hits theaters. Get this premise: a volcano underneath the La Brea tar pits near Los Angeles blows up. So far the only exciting thing about it would be the molten lava flowing down a Hollywod st reet while helicopters drop water on the fiery stream.

Don't forget that back in the days of bell bottoms, disco, afros and Jimmie Walker screaming "Dyn-o-mite!," disaster movies were far out. These movies featured anyone who was anyone in Hollywood. Stars like Gene Hackman, Shelly Winters, Stella Stevens, Ge orge Kennedy, Charlton Heston, Karen Black and even Dean Martin took part in these survival-of-the-fittest movies.

What's the difference between those old, outdated (but much more entertaining) disaster movies and these new, special effects-enhanced movies? Well, the '70s movies had human drama and a plot filled with so many stories, they left you wanting more. Witho ut the special effects so many movies now depend upon you had to focus on the humans.

If you don't believe this is possible, you have not seen the scares, thrills or bitching that goes on in "The Poseidon Adventure." If you don't know what it's about, you must rent it NOW! A tidal wave flips over a luxury liner on New Year's Eve and the s urvivors attempt to climb out of the ship through fires, floods and other obstacles that prance into their path. Much more interesting than the upcoming Christian Slater movie "Flood."

A film more interesting than the sleep-inducing plot and bad special effects of the TV movie "Asteroid" is the classic "Earthquake." Major disasters take place with everything from human lives to good fashion to nice cars, and it happens in Los Angeles. Featuring a gigantic all-star cast with everyone from all-time B-movie favorite Ernest Borgnine to George Kennedy, this is one of the best disaster movies of all time. It's much more powerful than that pebble called "Asteroid," and much more believable.

There are many other good 1970s disaster movies like "Airport" and "The Towering Inferno," but since I'm a good and caring VRM, I will advise you to please stay away from the sequels of these classic movies. The premises are disastrous, not the events in the movie.