Columnists lack research abilities, misrepresent the truth in articles

So you wanted to be a journalist, but you couldn't handle researching the facts. Well, I have a suggestion- why not write your own column? Here are a few pointers:

1: Come up with a catchy name, like "Focused Light." Although "Incoherent Ramblings" might be more appropriate, it doesn't attract readers.

2: Pick subjects you think you know something about. Make sure they're controversial. Suppress logic and coherent thought. Don't bother doing research, because you don't want to cloud the issue with facts.

3: Spin yarns, twist facts, tell lies, divert attention from the facts and pretend that the issue is very, very important. Most people won't check up on you anyway, so write whatever you want and misrepresent the truth in any fashion you see fit. Besides, you know more about your subject than any readers ever will.

4: Forget all the writing skills you ever learned. Use words incorrectly. Write in any style you wish; after all, you know more than that English professor, don't you?

These pointers should help you on your way to being a legend in your own mind. Remember the mantra: Never do research!

By Rich Waer (letter)
Arizona Daily Wildcat
March 10, 1997