The truth of masturbation - why are we being so blind?

Masturbation: beacon of shame, token of guilt, taboo of all taboos. We know it by many names: poking the pony, teasing the taco, shooting the sheriff, flogging the log, bonking the bishop, etc., etc. It is our last silent word, our last secret act, our last uncharted oddity. How did we come to this? How in our hedonistic times has this pleasure become so private?

I don't know; I've never known. I've wondered, as we all have, but let's face it: masturbation is our modern Pandora's box.

I think it's time to get curious.

The history of masturbation is a long one. There are references that approach the topic in Egyptian and Roman manuscripts, but most of these seem rather thrilled about it. Egyptian writings hinted at a "divine sexuality" while the Romans... well, you know the Romans. The first notable rejection of masturbation seems to be in the good book itself: Genesis 38:1-10. God slays Onan, son of Judah, for "wasting his seed" during "relations." The death of Onan is the Bible's only anti-masturbation comment, and a weak one at that. Of course, the Lord seems more lenient today. How else could Wilt Chamberlain still be alive?

Once we hit A.D., masturbation becomes playing with the Devil. From the Crusades to the Puritans, sexuality beyond marriage (and reproduction) was considered against God's will. Medical textbooks prior to the 18th century seldom mentioned masturbation at all. Tissot, a Swiss physician, claimed it "was the principle cause of mental illness." Doctors believed that bodily fluids, like blood and bile, should be in perfect balance. If men and women extraneously used sexual fluids, they were ruining that healthy balance. Dire consequences worse than the plague would result: blindness, epilepsy, memory loss, tuberculosis, insanity and even death. Looks like it was a lose-lose situation for Onan.

The results of these theories were frightening. Between 1856 and 1919, the U.S. Patent Office sanctioned 49 anti-masturbation devices. Thirty-five were for horses (?) and 14 for humans. The human devices, made for boys, consisted of either sharp points that jabbed the erect penis, or an electrical system that delivered shocks. (Yes, it hurt to even write that sentence.)

Theories then turned to food and early prevention. Dr. Sylvester Graham advised mild foods to control deviant sexual urges in children. His central remedy? The graham cracker. Dr. John Kellogg also joined the bandwagon with his own cure for child masturbation: corn flakes. That would explain Tony the Tiger and his ecstatic "They're Grrrreat!" If you didn't masturbate, you'd get excited about cornflakes, too.

When all hell broke loose in the '60s, mindsets did start changing. In 1972, the American Medical Association declared masturbation a normal sexual activity. Studies showed that masturbation alleviated menstrual cramps, toned pelvic muscles, promoted good sleep, and doubled as a cardiovascular workout. It was even "proven" to boost self-esteem, and scientists found up to one-third of children discover masturbation at 1-2 years of age. The Dark Ages seemed to be over, but recent events show we are far from seeing the light.

Take Jocelyn Elders. As Surgeon General in 1994, Elders suggested that masturbation be taught to prevent underage sex: "I feel that we have tried ignorance for a very long time, and it's time we try education." Not a bad idea from a woman who advocated condoms for kindergartners. But Clinton, who was Republican that day, fired Elders for incompetence. That's quite a statement from the second coming of Onan.

But Clinton's decision was a reaction to a majority opinion: we feared teaching masturbation more than "safe" mutual sex. I need not elaborate the utter stupidity of this, but I question why the paranoia still thrives. We've already crossed every possible boundary of decency. Look at the movie "Crash." This award-winning film is about people who crash cars and bump uglies before AAA arrives on scene. What's next? Sex with furniture? Wait. Oliver Stone may read this. Oh, God, what have I done.

It's not that I advocate some hedonistic, cross-country masturbatory love-in. (Although, if we had one, we could call it the sequel to Hands Across America.) I'm just advocating honesty. Masturbation is a healthy act by healthy people. The fear instilled at early ages since the early ages must be purged if we're to face the sexual plagues before us. As Dr. Ruth says, "the myth that it will make you go blind is only true if you stare at your monitor too long."

A perfect chance lies before us. May is National Masturbation Month, and the celebration officially begins May 7th. Yes, boys and girls, that's the last day of classes, and I don't think it's a coincidence. So mark your calendars and abandon your fears. Fight for your right to self-pleasure and help end the school year with a bang.

Mark Joseph Goldenson, who got interesting looks when net-searching "masturbation" in computer labs, is a psychology and molecular and cellular biology freshman. His self-titillating column, 'Gold Standard,' appears every Friday. His e-mail address is mgoldens@u.arizona.edu.

By Mark Joseph Goldenson (columnist)
Arizona Daily Wildcat
April 25, 1997