The presentation of the first annual Golden Shovel Award

This column fully recognizes the importance of art in everyday life. To praise and encourage its critical role, Gold Standard hereby presents the first annual Golden Shovel Award.

The Golden Shovel Award celebrates excessive ambiguity and unparalleled cluelessness. Applicants for the Golden Shovel are judged on a lack of the four Cs: candor, clarity, character, and conciseness. Entries are carefully monitored for key words and phra ses that signal a bullshitting attempt; among these are: explication, "common ground," bipartisanship, synergy, and the "vital center." Submissions are judged with extreme sensitivity, lest a phrase slide through sensors unnoticed. A comparison is useful here. Non-bullshit: "Trust me. Your blind date is really nice-looking." Bullshit: "Trust me. Your blind date has a nice personality." The sentences are nearly identical, but the seasoned bullshitter knows: the first is Kate Moss, the second is k.d. lang.

Submissions were received from all over the country. The competition was harsh, and decisions were difficult, but three finalists were finally chosen. First, let's review some semi-finalists.

The first semi-finalist mastered a category with only one entry - Alaskan Sen. Frank Murcowski blew clarity right out of the water. Describing a multimillion-dollar bill to eradicate snakes in Guam, he submitted this: "If I was out there with one-dollar b ills and a 12 year-old boy, I think I'd get some snakes." I have but one thing to say: Uh?

New York City Mayor David Dinkins also achieved semi-finalist status with this winner: "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

An extraordinary entry for lack of character was submitted by semi-finalist Jim Nicholson, who touted anti-abortion views to become chairman of the Republican National Committee. Here, he discusses a pro-choice platform. "And what we need to do is to unde rstand that it's in our benefit to transcend ... those few things ... that we disagree on and weld together, because that's how we can win and we can change our country." Weld on, Jim. Weld on.

Despite the volume of excellent entries, only three finalists made the cut. These individuals are beacons of bullshit, masters of the butchered word. I proudly present to you this talented group of individuals.

The first finalist should be no surprise: J. Danforth Quayle. His record speaks for itself.

Dan on pollution: "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

Dan on politics: "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

Dan on poverty: "People are not homeless if they're sleeping in the streets of their own hometowns."

And finally, Dan on life: "The future will be better tomorrow."

Dan's entries were obviously impressive, but damnit, the guy's just too sincere to win. Applicants must excel beyond terminal stupidity.

The second finalist follows through quite well: George W. Bush. He, too, shows candor, but the lack of character is dumbfounding. At least Dan was consistently clueless. Bush can't seem to decide. Take these entries:

"People say I'm indecisive, but I don't know about that.

"I'm not sure whether there was any equivocation.

"I've told you I don't live and die by the polls. Thus I will refrain from pointing out that we're not doing too bad in those polls."

Bush promptly surged into the lead with only one finalist remaining: William Jefferson Clinton. Could the "Comeback Kid" pull it off again?

"I owned an El Camino pickup in the '70s. It was a real sort of Southern deal. I had astroturf in the back. You don't want to know why, but I did.

"You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say.

"The last time I checked, the Constitution said, 'of the people, by the people, and for the people.' That's what the Declaration of Independence says."

I could accept the astroturf, but a Rhodes Scholar who misplaces the Gettysburg Address? I waited for Alan Funt to jump through a wall and tell the entire country it's on Candid Camera. I was stuck. I couldn't decide who bullshitted more - Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton. Now I know how voters felt four years ago.

But a last-minute entry decided it all. William Jefferson Clinton, in the flesh:

"We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans ... ."

We have a winner!

Congratulations, Mr. President. You earned it.

Mark Joseph Goldenson is a freshman in psychology and molecular and cellular biology. The last issue of his titillating column, "Gold Standard," appears next Wednesday. For further titillation, bounce to his new homepage at http://www.u.arizona.edu/~mgoldens.

By Mark Joseph Goldenson (columnist)
Arizona Daily Wildcat
May 2, 1997