The last standard - freshman insights on the Arizona experience

Know now, future kittens, that orientation is a ruse. It is not the happy welcome wagon it appears to be. Behind the pretty red folders and silly white stickers is a complex rite of initiation. The administrative elite will test your mettle by plunging you into the academic pits of hell. All of your classes will be packed. All your books will be thrashed. All your roommates will love Garth. The purpose of this madness is obvious: Arizona doesn't want wimps. "Bear down" is more than a school motto; it's a way of survival. Just ask those who didn't make it. I believe they're in Tempe.

One way out is to join the Honors Center. Your odds of a palatable roommate increase slightly, and you can hold library books until the second coming of Christ. You can also register for classes as a junior in your remaining years. This is wonderful for stress reduction, as it prevents you from hunting down and strangling that damn RSVP guy. "This...section...is...full..." Aaaaaigh!

Friends don't let friends join fraternities. I know they seem alluring when you consider the perks: beer, parties, beer, girls, beer, housing, beer, beer, beer. But you're a virgin once you cross the collegiate threshold, and excepting those fuzzy memories of prom night, you have a clean slate. Don't taint it with fraternal stupidity. You'll have plenty time for that in the real world.

Sports are big at the UA. You must prepare accordingly. At the Rose Bowl next year, bring your keys. Cats have a natural fascination for shiny, metallic things, and Arizona football fans are no exception. Also track down the guy who planted our goalposts. That man is an absolute genius and probably knows the meaning to life. There are reasons our architecture program is nationally ranked, and those goalposts are exhibit A.

Then there's the Final Four. Listen to mom and wear clean underwear; you never know when the urge to streak may strike you. Don't wear ASU clothing as some suicidal souls did, or your ass is alfalfa. And whatever you do, don't identify yourself as a Wildcat columnist unless you want dozens of drunks screaming, "Yeah?! Put this in your column: WOOOOOOO!!!"

Food is easily pursued at the UA, even though "Fidlee Fig" is the most asinine restaurant name since "Fuddrucker's." Eegee's is the West's best-kept secret. The East may have sushi, crab and lobster, but we have lemon, strawberry and pina colada. Smoothies are another icon at the UA. They're expensive and carry intimidating ingredients like "energizer carbo plex," but their healing powers are legendary. You'll never feel a hangover again. Then there's Louie's Lower Level. You'll grow a love/hate relationship with Louie's. Sure, the burgers will clog your arteries like I-10 at rush hour, but heart attacks just add to the college experience.

And this, fair freshman, is your goal. Four years of college lie before you; it is your job to make them an experience. The path is not difficult. Study some and party some and read some and streak some - this is the wisdom I share, and as a future sophomore, a "wise fool," I hope it will work for you. It certainly has for me.

Mark Joseph Goldenson is a wise fool in psychology and molecular and cellular biology. His daily updated homepage is at http://www.u.arizona.edu/~mgoldens . This is his last edition of "Gold Standard." Thank you for making his college experience worthwhile.

By Mark Joseph Goldenson (columnist)
Arizona Daily Wildcat
May 7, 1997