Aliens Shmaliens

To me, horoscopes have always seemed like a cosmic version of eenie-meenie-miney-moe. This game may help us overcome the paralysis of indecision, but it hardly leads us to reliable truths. Astrology may be rather harmless (although I feel I've been the victim of zodiacal-sign discrimination at many a singles bar). But when all is said and done, it is irrational, relying on rules of cosmic causality that will never be proven. Of course, they can never be disproved either, and that's exactly why astrology isn't a science.

Remember that astrology has a sober and scientific, if less popular, counterpart: astronomy. Unfortunately, the technical loftiness of astronomy makes it largely inaccessible to us non space geeks. But with a few changes, and a re-focusing of telescopes, astronomy could gain wide appeal and do us all a favor. It could restore some level of scientific scrutiny to the current UFO craze.

We have recently encountered aliens in the media. The type of story once exclusive to tabloids has become mainstream. Polls reveal that over one third of Americans believe aliens have been to earth, and they may still be here. The closing of the Roswell file has conspiracy theorists in knots, and there are "unexplained" flickerings over Phoenix. Nearly one in five Americans believe that alien abductions are commonplace, and UFOlogists swear they have seen cigar-shaped objects in the night; they take videos.

In my opinion this alien craze is utterly unenlightened, sustained by the same type of irrationality that keeps astrologers afloat. I recognize that all of us have at times been abducted by irrationality, but never by aliens.

The armed forces are notorious for running strange and superfluous tests. Is it so implausible that they dropped test dummies over Roswell, New Mexico? Is it so surprising that they're tired of talking about it? Most UFO sightings occur in the Southwest, exactly where most of our air force bases conduct their test flights. Must we invent paranormal explanations for routine phenomena? As for cigar-shaped objects, Sigmund Freud once noted, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." Certainly, it is not difficult to video tape one.

Still, folks put faith in home videos of UFO's. They even heed Hollywood's warnings of imminent extraterrestrial invasion. But there is one voice, now faint, that they neglect in the midst of such savory sensationalism - the voice of rationality. It's not the astrologer, the home-video enthusiast or the Ricki Lake show guest who really understands what's floating around in space. It's the astronomer.

Consider for a moment that before these alleged aliens get close enough to be videotaped, before they suck the blood from our goats, abduct our citizens, or land in our cornfields, they arrive here through space. Astronomers, like those on 24 hour patrol at Arizona's Kitt Peak, watch space very closely. So closely, in fact, that the crafts UFOlogists claim to see are unlikely to elude their telescopes. It's not the sensationalists' alien sightings we should take seriously - it's the lack of sightings by astronomers. Proportionately, alien sightings may have risen among Americans at large. But then, our country supports more UFOlogists, astrologers, and new age freaks than ever before.

It's about time for astronomy to serve the public interest. Let the experts wage a sober and rational attack on space sensationalism. Currently, they are busy probing the outer limits, finding microbes on Mars 38 million miles off. Meanwhile, the American masses are convinced there are full-sized aliens cruising around right here in our cosmic backyard.

Why go deep sea fishing when rumor has it you can catch a big one right off the pier? We should implore astronomers to re-focus their telescopes, abandon their Mir probe (which in any event has proven to be the Ford Pinto of space exploration), and do us a service by reassuring America that aliens fly only in our mind's eye.

UFOlogists, and so-called experts on paranormal activity say they are committed to uncovering truths which have been denied to the public. Ironically, the real truth lies within the scope of astronomy. With a little help from PR firms, astronomers can help restore rational thinking, and put pseudo-scientists out of business.

Otherwise, our age may be remembered as one of misguided millenarians and cellophane prophecies we refused to see through. The Information Age, you say...more like the second Dark Ages.

Josh Schneyer is a non-degree seeking graduate student