As I gripped the lamppost to avoid falling over my own feet and cursed out the young woman who was positive that stop signs don't really apply to her, I thought to myself: Dear God, I hate bicyclists.

Which is, in fact, not entirely true. Several of my best friends ride bikes to and from school every day. The idiots I hate are the ones who are either under the impression that vehicular traffic laws somehow don't apply to them or they just don't care. T hey seem to think the cyclists are simply highly mobile pedestrians. I have no qualms with bicyclists who obey the law (unless they think that Gary Payton is a better point guard than John Stockton).

Many times, I've had to sidestep a cyclist who decided that the "Yield to Pedestrians" sign on the bike path between Modern Languages and the Administration Building is a leftover April Fool's Day gag, and I am not alone.

My favorite experience, though, has to be driving through Tucson watching some oblivious schmuck free-wheel through traffic as I am gritting my teeth, slamming the brakes and watching as those in other lanes do the same so we can all avoid a charge of veh icular manslaughter as the highly mobile pedestrian makes an unsignaled left turn.

In a rare moment of seriousness, I'll admit that the police have more important things to do than track down every errant bicyclist. On this campus, that would rapidly become a full-time occupation. I suggest, therefore, that it is the civic duty of every day men and women to deal with these malicious minions of mischief on our own terms. A reactionary part of me cries out, "Shoot 'em as they race past stop signs."

I know, however, that guns don't solve problems. Rocks do.

Every pedestrian should carry a couple of fist-sized rocks concealed in pockets, purses and on leased small animals. Every time you see a bicyclist, "California stop" through a stop sign, pull out one of those rocks and "Arizona stop" him. This will have the dual benefit of forcing bicyclists to wear helmets (for their own safety more than anything) and will cause the same to associate pain with the casual violation of the law. Humans, like any other animals, can be conditioned to react in a particular ma nner to a given stress through constant reinforcement. If we keep this up long enough, bicyclists on campus will cringe and come to a screeching halt at the sight of any red octagon.

Position a few people around the signs between the Modern Languages and Administration and make the psychotic cyclists yield to pedestrians. Someone wants to ride on the sidewalk? Not after a few expert sling wielders give them a new perspective on the te rm "U-turn." Sure, we might end up with a few extra politicians and used-car dealers as a result of the brain damage we cause, but:

• Bicyclists who tempt drivers in Tucson to drive dangerously are brain-damaged anyway, and
• If that's the pric e to pay for being able to walk through a crosswalk without doing an imitation of Barry Sanders, we should be prepared to accept it.

Now, none of this would be necessary if bicyclists would simply OBEY TRAFFIC LAWS. This is not so much to ask. Theoretically, the mean IQ on this campus is somewhere above twelve. As such, it shouldn't be hard for the average student to imagine what sort of damage a bike moving at high speed can do to the human body, and more practically, what a car moving even faster can do to an idiot who decides that four way stops are for losers.

So do everyone a favor: obey traffic laws and avoid a long stay in the hospital, because as we all know, rocks break bones.

Chris Badeaux is a junior majoring in English. His column, 'Cynic on Parade,' appears every other Friday.

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