Tired of all those summer reruns? Are you ready for the return of Bill Cosby in a non-Dr. Huxtable role; Ted Danson without "Cheers"; Brooke Shields without her Calvins? Do you think you are ready for all those new shows NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX and those other two networks want you to watch? You may think you're ready for all 29 of these new but are you really? What happens if the show you can't wait to see is a bomb (in the bad sense)?

You would think these shows with these big, familiar stars will be good with all the money the networks are spending on them. Wrong. With budgets of $1 million for each episode of "Ink," "Cosby," and "Spin City," (this is double the budget of most new shows), these shows have proven to be TV chupacabras, sucking out money and going on to the next network.

For example, the first four episodes of the Ted Danson-Mary Steenburgen vehicle, "Ink," were scrapped just 18 days before its Sept. 16 debut; "Murphy Brown" producer Diane English was brought to reinvent the show. One does not need Dionne and her

psychic pals to tell them whether or not this show will be a keeper. The sad part is, CBS has committed to 22 shows of "Ink."

Another show in peril in, again, CBS's "Cosby." In April, Bill Cosby dumped executive producer Richard Day and costar Telma Hopkins. CBS has committed to 44 episodes of the Cos.

You know it's pretty sad when a show like NBC's "3rd Rock From the Sun" was the breakout hit of last year. So, for those executives who have chosen these shows and stars, the shows better be good, or next year Fox, UPN and the WB will become the Big 3.

If you can describe this upcoming season in three words, they would be: recyclable 80s stars. So to help you maneuver through the new television season, the following is a list of the new shows, the day and time they're on and the bottom line (whether you should watch it religiously or change it.).

MONDAY

7 p.m. - CBS: "Cosby"- Take Cliff and Claire Huxtable and move them into the 1990s. This is the show CBS is banking upon to make its Monday nights wildly popular again. The show consists of the Cos as an incessantly grouchy old man trying to adapt to today's society, while his wife, Phylicia Rashad and neighbor Madeline Kahn endure.

Bottom Line: If this is what CBS is banking on, then they need to look up the definition of comedy and humor. If, by chance, the Cos can prevent the show from turning into an old-age ego trip, fans of "The Cosby Show" he shall attract.

ABC: "Dangerous Minds" (starts Sept. 30) - Take the hit Michelle Pfeiffer movie, subtract Pfeiffer, add Annie Potts ("Designing Women"), and pump up the Coolio.

Bottom Line: Iffy-it's an hour drama so early in the week. Also, not many big-to-small-screen conversions have survived (i.e. "Working Girl," "Gung-Ho," "Parenthood," etc.). The title should gain a few viewers, but the show's rough-hewn family values will have it fighting for the same viewers as the stale "Cosby."

7:30 p.m. - CBS: "Ink"- With the first four episodes scrapped, who knows what this show will be like? Stars Ted Danson and his wife, Mary Steenburgen.

Bottom Line: Hopefully Diane English can make this show better, if not, CBS may be moving "The Nanny" back to Mondays. Do we need that?

NBC: "Mr. Rhodes"- A sitcom version of "Dead Poets Society" featuring unknown stand-up comic and Michael Bolton stand-in Tom Rhodes.

Bottom Line: If the hair jokes stop, as well as tender moments between teacher and student, which they didn't in the pilot, and creative writing comes into the minds of the writers, this show may not be half bad.

I would talk about Fox's "Party Girl" and "Lush Life," but as of Tuesday, Sept. 24, these were the first two casualties of the 1996-97 season.

TUESDAY

7 p.m. - CBS: "Promised Land"- The original title of this show was supposed to be "Touched by Major Dad." Gerald McRaney stars in this spin-off from the demonic "Touched by an Angel." He and his homeless family travel around America, getting in everybody's business, calling it help.

Bottom Line: With competition from "Roseanne," "Mad About You," and UPN's "Moesha," this show is heading quickly for the promised land.

7:30 p.m. - ABC: "Life's Work"- A "Roseanne" for the 90s. A Baltimore mother (stand-up comic Lisa Ann Walter) of two becomes an attorney.

Bottom Line: So far it has become a life's work to get through the first 15 minutes, but that's only the first episode, hopefully. If Work works, Walter could become the next Roseanne.

NBC: "Something So Right"- Yet, another "Brady Bunch" for the 90s (another one was the loathsome "Step By Step"). This time Mel Harris ("thirtysomething") and Jere Burns ("Dear John") are the parents. I guess Suzanne Sommers was busy with the new Buttmaster. The premise concerns a newlywed-household with Burns' on his second marriage and Harris on her third marriage.

Bottom Line: Not funny. The jokes made toward Burns' son about his obsession with his beautiful new stepsister are unnecessary, unless it's on the "Ricki Lake" show. If it wasn't in the spot between "Mad About You" and "Frasier" NBC would have something so wrong.

WEDNESDAY

7:30 p.m.- ABC: "Townies"- Molly Ringwald is back. After giving up that supposed movie career, the former Brat packer is back in an anti-"Friends" show. The show is about post-college waitresses in, of all exotic places, Gloucester, Mass.

Bottom Line: "Townies" is alright, it's no "Alice." But is it funny when character's sole purpose is to be called a "slut?" Maybe if you work it all over Miracle Mile, the corner or the Waffle House, but not at the local Mom-n-Pop diner. With "Ellen," "Grace Under Fire," and "The Drew Carey Show," ABC has a new theme night: Working-Class Wednesday!

CBS: "Pearl"- Rhea Perlman has left "Cheers" and becomes a middle-aged student. Blue-collar Pearl goes back to school to pass away her free time (in the pilot, it was never said why she's going back to school). Malcolm McDowell drops his film career to play the cranky professor who is Pearl's nemesis.

Bottom Line: Why Perlman chose this show and didn't have husband Danny DeVito produce it, we'll never know. There's a reason this show is scheduled after "The Nanny." If CBS were smart, they would've held back "Pearl" a grade as a mid-season replacement.

8:30 p.m.-NBC: "Men Behaving Badly"- A show about fraternity boys? No, but they're just the audience for it. Ron Eldard ("ER") and Rob Schneider (SNL) star as a guy's guys. These boys are a messy, rude, crude, testosterone-filled habit. Justine Bateman (let's here it for Malorie finding a job) plays Eldard's girl.

Bottom Line: Just the show for those boys who loved movies like "Tommy Boy," "Black Sheep," and other no-brainers. Scheduled between "Newsradio" and "Law & Order," "Men Behaving Badly" will do good-ly.

THURSDAY

8:30 p.m. - NBC: "Suddenly Susan"- Brooke Shields stars as a pretty, funny magazine writer. This is yet another one of those shows that bit so hard, the whole order was changed. Now Judd Nelson stars as Shields' editor.

Bottom Line: So far, the show does not live up to its hype. But who cares? The show just happens to be in TVs cushiest spot-between "Seinfeld" and "ER-guaranteeing instant success (look at "Friends" and "Caroline in the City"). But if the show continues on as it has in the first episode, this much-hyped show will get some much-needed cancelling.

FRIDAY

7:30 p.m.- ABC: "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch"- A comic book turned into a sitcom starring Nickelodeon's "Clarissa Explains It All" star Melissa Joan Hart. It's like "Bewitched" as an embryo.

Bottom Line: The show will raise the spirit of ABC's dead TGIF without Dionne Warwick and a seance.

CBS: "Everybody Loves Raymond"- Another stand-up comic's show, this time it's Ray Romano (no relation to Annie Romano from "One Day at a Time"). Romano stars as a loveable, huggable husband, father, son-in-law in the most wuvable show of the season. I need a hug now.

Bottom Line: Against the freshness of ABC's new TGIF, we may see that hardly anybody loves Raymond.

8 p.m. - CBS: "Mr. & Mrs. Smith"- A combination of "Mission: Impossible" and "Scarecrow and Mrs. King." Stars the hot Mr. Scott Bakula.

Bottom Line: Like "Moonlighting" for morons. Up against "Clueless," "Dateline," and the highly anticipated "Milennium," "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" may soon be annulled.

SATURDAY

7-10 p.m.- NBC: "Dark Skies," "The Pretender," and "Profiler"- I liked them all better under the titles "The X-Files," "The Fugitive," and the latest edition of "The Psychic Friend Network."

Bottom Line: With competition from "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman" there will be dark skies over NBC Saturday night until they prove that they're the real thing, and not the pretenders.

9 p.m.- ABC: "Relativity"- The premise of this silly show is two people, one engaged, one single, meet in Europe and fall in love. Swoon. Then they find each other in the states and try to ignore each other.

Bottom Line: Would work as a TV-movie. Even after a call to the Psychic Friends, you couldn't see it beyond half a season.

SUNDAY

The only news on this night is that "The X-Files" is moving to 8 p.m. in late October.

Well, good luck. If these shows turn out to be worse than I think, Blockbuster and other video stores may see a sudden surgence in business.

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