J.P. Mauro is not funny. I'm sorry, but there's just no other way to put it. Anyone whose idea of a funny quip is "Injunct this!" has a lot to learn about the fine art of humor. But he's in good company - the subject of his epic tome, Al Franken is a B ucktoothed Moron (subtitled "The Right Strikes Back"), is equally painful. I don't doubt that it's true - I made the mistake of sitting through Franken's film "Stuart Saves his Family" - but this book is a poorly conceived idea and a maddeningly stupid r etort to what I can only assume was a retarded manifesto to begin with. A pox on Al Franken for unleashing this foul plague, and I hope that J.P. Mauro rots in some socialist hell for the crime of retransmitting this debilitating thought virus. He won't burn alone. Rush Limbaugh, Don Imus, and Bill Maher - pray that the Good Lord's retribution is swift and painless, because your long-running charades certainly haven't been. Only conservative commentator P.J. O'Rourke shall be spared from the time of r eckoning... at least he knows what he's talking about.

I interviewed Joseph Mauro, half of the dynamic duo who refer to themselves as J.P. Mauro. A New York attorney with a thick Long Island accent by day, he moonlights as a contributor to various law journals in his spare time. This is the first book that he and his brother, Paul, have written together. Outside of a funny chapter on the wicked ways of the multiculturists, there isn't an original or clever thought in this book. It's pretty tepid, silly fare - he rails against the liberal media, ignoring the fact that he managed to get his book published somehow. Sure, he may be right about Al... but I feel dumber for having even attempted to read his book.

Wildcat: Hey man, I really enjoyed your book and I found that I agree with you on a lot of issues... but why even dignify Al Franken with a response?

J.P. Mauro: There's certainly something to that. We've taken some heat from our own camp in saying all you're doing is publicizing Al's book. That is a necessary evil here - if we don't do that, the other side of the coin is not going to be hear d... so to speak. And plus, Al Franken has admittedly gotten a lot of publicity from his book. I don't think that our book coming out is going to be the thing that keeps him on the best-seller list.

WC: When it comes down to it, your book isn't really about Al Franken though...

J.P.M.: Let's face it, a full length book about Al would be about as fascinating as Beowulf. There are tons of other ideas, only a few chapters are dedicated to Franken himself. That's for two reasons, first of all because Al couldn't sustain a whole book, never mind a comic book. Also, we were mirroring his book which was a take off on Rush Limbaugh and also a satirization of the whole conservative movement. So, in doing the answer to his book, we had to do it partially on Al Franken and part ially on the whole American left.

WC: Who gets more women: conservatives or liberals?

J.P.M.: Does that include Bill Clinton?

WC: Well, sure I guess if you include Bob Packwood.

J.P.M.: I would say, probably Democrats because they don't have the albatross of their family values ideology. They were freer to go out and hit the night life. No, in all honesty, it's probably the same.

WC: Do you think you could take Al in an octagon death match?

J.P.M.: No question about it, and I would love to. That would be great! I'd love to give George Stephenopolous the bitch slap he deserves, too...

He may be right.

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