Forget Political Apathy, Let's Try Political Comas

Chad Strawderman Arizona Daily Wildcat

That sigh has become more pronounced in the last few weeks.

If you're like me (God help you if you are), you've probably become just a little bored over the incessant wrangling in the upper levels of government these days. Is Newt Gingrich more corrupt than Bill Clinton? What sort of illegalities did Jim McDermott commit in his quest to bring down the former? Why does Hillary Rodham Clinton keep changing hairstyles, always flirting with a Jennifer Aniston-like 'do?

Who cares?

The press morass of the last few weeks has driven me to a new, more cynical outlook: It's the Ted Kennedy Era of politics, people, which means that the government is as likely to leave you in the middle of a frozen river as to try to pull you out- certain ly, they'll call a press conference before doing anything.

The stultifying wastes of time to which we've been subjected in the last decade- Whitewater, budget impasses, various -gates- are simply proof of that. Bipartisanship is a running gag unless you're trying to become either the secretary of state or defense .

As you've probably heard about a thousand times in the last few months, while nearly three quarters of eligible American citizens register to vote, only about half of those show up on Election Day. Does this make those who don't show bad citizens? Perhaps . Does it mean that they're irrational idiots? Probably not. Rather, they simply see no reason to waste their time on a meaningless exercise that will simply provide more opportunities for Sam Donaldson to make the inevitable comparison between the new Pr esident's first hundred days and LBJ's.

There are no more Jeffersons, no more Roosevelts, and, if we're lucky, no more Fords. What we have in their stead is a bunch of Clintons, Gingriches, and overinfluential PACs. With a government divided neatly along partisan lines and political parties who offer only more of the same, the situation shows no signs of improving in the immediate future.

And of course, the American public is not to blame. We just vote our government into office; we're certainly not responsible for its actions.

I therefore suggest complete voter apathy. I don't just mean that less than half the eligible citizens show up to vote- I mean no one, with the probable exception of the candidates themselves, shows up on Super Tuesday. Forget "town hall" meetings, speaki ng at City Council meetings, the whole shebang. There's no point in doing things in a half-hearted way; if we're going to be apathetic, by heaven, let's get enthusiastic about it.

What's the worst that could happen? Oh, sure little things like a military coup, some sort of dictatorship, human rights abuses, even the eventual broadcasting dominance of PBS might creep across the political landscape. But these things just give us a go od excuse for an old-fashioned revolution. (By then, I figure, apathy will have gone out of vogue.)

Then, we can set up a new government, whose members are actually genuinely more concerned with their electorate than with the media. Voters will turn up in astounding numbers, people will actually care about government, cats and dogs will live together, a nd our only major problem will be how to keep Windows95 from crashing.

Then, in six to ten generations, our descendants will fail to show up at the polls all over again.

Chris Badeaux is a senior majoring in English and whatever happens to seem interesting on a given day. He is also the Opinions Editor , and does not in any way advocate modern American revolutions or PBS.