'Pirates' political propriety destroys Disney's delight

Chad Strawderman Arizona Daily Wildcat

That's what the sign out front says. I used to believe it. Disneyland used to be the purest source of family fun in the world. Millions would visit this mecca of Western society every year, paying homage to the genius of Walt Disney. There was simply nothing that tarnished its brilliance.

Now, however, there is a dark cloud moving over the park.

Several weeks ago, I heard about Disneyland's plan to refurbish its "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride. As I listened to the news broadcast, I wondered how they could possibly improve such a fantastic ride.

Maybe they'll add another thrilling drop, I thought. Or maybe they'll improve the special effects used to create the fight scene between the two pirate ships. Won't that be great?

How naive I was. Disneyland is instead planning to shut the ride down for a few months so that it can remove those facets which might be construed as offensive to the public. The new "Pirates" will not show the drunken pirates chasing women; instead, the pirates will chase trays of food. The new "Pirates" will not stand for this insolent pirate behavior anymore.

I just have a couple of things to say to the people at Disneyland. First, the ride is just fine the way it is. Families have been enjoying the ride for years, and I have never heard any criticism. In fact, it's one of the more popular rides because it depicts funny, pirate-esque situations.

Second, the ride is called "PIRATES of the Caribbean." The characters depicted in the ride are PIRATES. Pirates do bad stuff. That's their job. These guys sail around the world, attack ships, and then steal their money. After that, they go ashore and fraternize with barmaids. These are not nice guys, they're pirates. If they were nice guys, they'd call the ride, "Friendly Steel Drum Players of the Caribbean."

Maybe that's the image Disney wants to bring to the ride. Perhaps it is time to join the politically correct 90s. However, why stop at a minor reworking? Why not pull out all the stops and make the ride truly innocuous? Why not change the pirates into water nymphs who run around blowing fairy dust on hapless passers-by causing them to fall in love? Better yet, why not change the pirates into giant bees who buzz around fertilizing the happy little flora of the Disney world?

I see another problem, though. What about all of the other rides that have not yet achieved a politically correct status? Shouldn't we just close down the park so that we go in and remedy all of the offensive situations?

The Swiss are probably up-in-arms over the Matterhorn. Aren't we insulting the Swiss by creating an animatronic Abominable Snowman and placing it on their famous mountain? They give us watches, army knives, and chocolate and how do we repay them? Come on, they never did anything to us- they're neutral.

And then, there's the "Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse" problem. These people live on a deserted island, build an ingenious treehouse with bitterly hard work, and then we turn it into some sort of freak show. They just want a little privacy and we have to build a damn ladder so that we can look in their windows. The nerve.

And who can forget the ugly "Peter Pan" situation? This inflammatory ride actively encourages children to disobey authority and it encourages the practices of such dangerous activities as flying and using a sword. Kids should really be discouraged from this type of insolent behavior.

In fact, kids should be discouraged from any behavior at all. They should be taught to sit, nothing else. They can go experience "fun" and "excitement" once they grow old enough to handle the responsibility that comes along with such sinful experiences. For now, they can enjoy their wholesome, politically correct upbringing and thank society for its unwavering support of non-offensive moral rectitude.

It's a small-minded world, after all.

Jamie Kanter is a junior majoring in Spanish and psychology who believes that Camus's 'The Stranger' should have been about a romantic rendezvous. His column, 'On the Flip Side,' appears every other Wednesday.